I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and the topic was naturally 'weight loss' especially over the holidays. The stories of the ladies are somewhat predictable, making me think that it's societal. Do we as women snap after marriage and childbirth...do we just peak after 30? I was dismayed plus - I was seeing myself in that role too. I had lots of empathy for them. Is it the oral gratification, fillingness of food ? We aren't hungry for food, but what is our true hunger? I'm thinking there just might be a tad of sexual supression...humm...I know with my own awakening, that when I discovered my orgasm - my food obsession somewhat lessened.
It's just a thought. I left the show so very sad, just sad over the middle aged woman's plight - fat, transparent, invisible and in elastic banded pants. My people - ladies, what's up with this?
You are special - you have taken a back seat in life - -it's time to be front and center - -and perhaps give yourself some special treatment...ahhh
With affection - channel your inner tart,
Kit
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Who's taking my place in the food chain ?
I had a startling realization the other day...Since we've all had to tighten our belts (literally and figuratively), who's picking up the slack ?
Here's what I mean...My current shopping behavior has me no long purchasing in high-end stores even supermarkets; I'm looking at 'shopping my closet' for clothes and going to produce stands and WalMart for all my food and staples. What's up with that ?
My personal style is evolving...I've grown my hair (less maintenance), adopted a more bohemian apparel statement (mixed pieces, old jewelry and tights- -from Target) and will surf to find the best deal on Kashi crackers (for the record, it's a WalMart). I've cut back my cable to the bare necessity (did you know that other than the 4 networks, I can get at least 3 Spanish speaking stations-- Hola !) I look for coupons, drink Almond Milk - because I had a $.55 coupon and have honed my protein consumption down to cottage cheese, eggs and tuna fish.
You would think that I was just starting out, that I'm in my early 20's, got my first job and am trying to save for a car, maybe a house payment, pay down student loans or just demonstrate my independence.
The truth is I'm an executive with a multi-national corporation. I make a fabulous salary and for a series of bad decisions, am living paycheck to paycheck with a glimmer of hope in sight. My credit rating is trashed, my bank account is in the hundreds of dollars, I owe more on my house that I can sell it and I have a mountain of debt.
Initially, I do believe I was in denial, it is such a blissful state. I got in the habit of buying major purchases, including my college aged daughter's tuition and apartment and using my low interest credit cards. You do know where this is going...interest rates skyrocketed. I am victim of my own stupidity. One should never live on credit cards - -ever, ever - -it's the crack cocaine of the middle class. This felony was compounded when my firm's bonus plan evaporated. I found that I was living up to the edge. It was as if I took a 40% pay cut and increased my expenses by 39%, you do the math - -not a good place to be.
I was on a trajectory to get a divorce and realized that I would also have to borrow to get out of my marriage and probably have to pay spousal support too. Oh, it gets so much better. I started to feel sorry for myself - big time - I started to look for quick fixes. I even looked to match.com to try to help me find a 'prince' to get me out of this. I was looking to get a 'sugar daddy'...I was looking for all of this to go away. How did this happen to me? To me ?
I spend the first part of this year looking for a man to help me through this, only to find that the ones that were available were 1) unemployeed 2) severely damaged and/or 3) looking for the same thing I was. I also came to realize that a woman, over 50 with sterling health benefits is a rare commodity. All of my gentlemen suitors had no idea I was married. I was looking to 'run away' with them and get them to bail me out. I was starting to be desparate. I was becoming a whore. I should state...I was a whore.
Here's what I've come to do. 1) Address what the problem is - -it was money and husband that was withdrawn. My decision was to 'fix' the money issue first and to do this on my own. I did not need a man to do this for me, nor did I need to use sex to get anything. I do believe that the whole Match.com experience was not a good one for me. I am a true late bloomer and boy, I did not experience the lack of libido that menopause is supposed to harken. I started to crave sex, like I did cigarettes when I was in my 20's. The stark realization was that I never embraced my sexuality and I am ashamed that I never shared this with my husband. He deserved so much more.
Depression also sets in, you dwell on it and start to spiral further down. It's not a very pretty place. Oh - back to the money. I did contact a credit counselling firm. They put me on a strict budget (similar to the food diet's I've been on for decades). I have a contained spending plan that does not allow me much flexibility. I also have started on a safety net. OK - it's in the nascent stage, but it's growing. According to the credit counselor, I should be debt free by September, 2015. Yes, it's only been 3 months - -but feels so liberating.
I had a soulful conversation with my mortgage company. I got a funky 'interest free' mortgage for the first 7-years...well, this Feb starts year 7. I completely panicked. Based on the whole credit card debacle, it was evident that I was again - 'screwed'. They did assure me that I still had a note with them, it may even be less than what the interest only was when that was struck. However, I need about $13K to refinance. Yes, you read correctly - -Living in Florida does have it's perks, my real estate is in the tank. The gist of it is, I can take all the delusions of 'running away' out of my plan. I am stuck here. I could walk away, run away- or- I can act responsibly and ethically and pay my mortgage. The positive this is due to the bursted real estate bubble - my home owner taxes are less. I'm thinking I'm going to honker down and love my nest. I am going to make this a wonderful jewel box, with my available resources (namely - me and my talents) and just enjoy my environs.
The added impetus to the change in heart, was that my husband did get a real job. It's the first time in 9 years that he is working a corporate job that pays real money (not a ton, but enough) and he fully understands the impact of his contribution. I think we can save this. I hope we can save this. I really want to save this. I did marry the right man. I have no doubt about this now. He is eccentric, quirky and at times naive. He is the father of my only child and I have never seen him hurt another person or animal. He and I share similar political and religious views. I should have been kinder to him, I was not. I was out right mean. He deserves better.
I hope that I was in a phase - -like teenaged rebellion. My hope for me is that I can regain my moral compass and that this incredible man I married 24 years ago, sees it the same way.
This has been a very humbling time. I've watched my daughter succumb to all sorts of temptations. She has also managed to squeeze three years of learning into 5 years, with no real end in sight. She is semi-emancipated. She knows that she is now responsible for her own destiny. I made her weak and entitled. She never saw any struggle, that when it struck she rebelled too. Her's was one more of drugs, alcohol and bad choices. She was invited more than once to leave the university. She managed to pull herself together, meet with the dean and probably displayed her acting chops to get reinstated.
I've watched my husband withdraw, hold on to a fantasy and just not to contribute. I hated him for that. He let me bear the brunt of all the financial issues. I also let him. He became more of a dependent child than my peer. I had no support group, hid in my work and crafted a very devious front for my paramours. Sheer fantasy, perhaps I should have just written about it. The actual acting out the fantasy, was a step I did not think I was capable. If I am, you are too. I have no one to blame but myself and a distorted logic. I did like almost everyone I had sex with, the only exception was Bob. Just seeing his e-mail, makes me cringe and want to wash my hands and keyboard. I do think that he videotaped our session. Potentially there's some blackmail out there. The phantom, Bill had too much to lose and made me realize how sordid this whole thing was. It is true that a man will give you favor if you give them a blow job. I learned to like it, embraced it as if it was my occupation - -and secretly wished that I got more than a few free dinners out of the deal. I believe I was a bad whore...never making them pay for the milk. I learned a lot about men. In a strange way, I know that I don't want to do that anymore. I do not know if I will ever tell my husband. I know he suspects. I'm not sure if I will ever tell him.
It's time to renew - -I started this innocently enough to talk about transformation. I lost a ton of weight, found new confidence and became a whore...oops, wrong way, Kit. Time to get back on the right path and hope that it's still there for you.
Wish me a pleasant journey, I will need it.
Here's what I mean...My current shopping behavior has me no long purchasing in high-end stores even supermarkets; I'm looking at 'shopping my closet' for clothes and going to produce stands and WalMart for all my food and staples. What's up with that ?
My personal style is evolving...I've grown my hair (less maintenance), adopted a more bohemian apparel statement (mixed pieces, old jewelry and tights- -from Target) and will surf to find the best deal on Kashi crackers (for the record, it's a WalMart). I've cut back my cable to the bare necessity (did you know that other than the 4 networks, I can get at least 3 Spanish speaking stations-- Hola !) I look for coupons, drink Almond Milk - because I had a $.55 coupon and have honed my protein consumption down to cottage cheese, eggs and tuna fish.
You would think that I was just starting out, that I'm in my early 20's, got my first job and am trying to save for a car, maybe a house payment, pay down student loans or just demonstrate my independence.
The truth is I'm an executive with a multi-national corporation. I make a fabulous salary and for a series of bad decisions, am living paycheck to paycheck with a glimmer of hope in sight. My credit rating is trashed, my bank account is in the hundreds of dollars, I owe more on my house that I can sell it and I have a mountain of debt.
Initially, I do believe I was in denial, it is such a blissful state. I got in the habit of buying major purchases, including my college aged daughter's tuition and apartment and using my low interest credit cards. You do know where this is going...interest rates skyrocketed. I am victim of my own stupidity. One should never live on credit cards - -ever, ever - -it's the crack cocaine of the middle class. This felony was compounded when my firm's bonus plan evaporated. I found that I was living up to the edge. It was as if I took a 40% pay cut and increased my expenses by 39%, you do the math - -not a good place to be.
I was on a trajectory to get a divorce and realized that I would also have to borrow to get out of my marriage and probably have to pay spousal support too. Oh, it gets so much better. I started to feel sorry for myself - big time - I started to look for quick fixes. I even looked to match.com to try to help me find a 'prince' to get me out of this. I was looking to get a 'sugar daddy'...I was looking for all of this to go away. How did this happen to me? To me ?
I spend the first part of this year looking for a man to help me through this, only to find that the ones that were available were 1) unemployeed 2) severely damaged and/or 3) looking for the same thing I was. I also came to realize that a woman, over 50 with sterling health benefits is a rare commodity. All of my gentlemen suitors had no idea I was married. I was looking to 'run away' with them and get them to bail me out. I was starting to be desparate. I was becoming a whore. I should state...I was a whore.
Here's what I've come to do. 1) Address what the problem is - -it was money and husband that was withdrawn. My decision was to 'fix' the money issue first and to do this on my own. I did not need a man to do this for me, nor did I need to use sex to get anything. I do believe that the whole Match.com experience was not a good one for me. I am a true late bloomer and boy, I did not experience the lack of libido that menopause is supposed to harken. I started to crave sex, like I did cigarettes when I was in my 20's. The stark realization was that I never embraced my sexuality and I am ashamed that I never shared this with my husband. He deserved so much more.
Depression also sets in, you dwell on it and start to spiral further down. It's not a very pretty place. Oh - back to the money. I did contact a credit counselling firm. They put me on a strict budget (similar to the food diet's I've been on for decades). I have a contained spending plan that does not allow me much flexibility. I also have started on a safety net. OK - it's in the nascent stage, but it's growing. According to the credit counselor, I should be debt free by September, 2015. Yes, it's only been 3 months - -but feels so liberating.
I had a soulful conversation with my mortgage company. I got a funky 'interest free' mortgage for the first 7-years...well, this Feb starts year 7. I completely panicked. Based on the whole credit card debacle, it was evident that I was again - 'screwed'. They did assure me that I still had a note with them, it may even be less than what the interest only was when that was struck. However, I need about $13K to refinance. Yes, you read correctly - -Living in Florida does have it's perks, my real estate is in the tank. The gist of it is, I can take all the delusions of 'running away' out of my plan. I am stuck here. I could walk away, run away- or- I can act responsibly and ethically and pay my mortgage. The positive this is due to the bursted real estate bubble - my home owner taxes are less. I'm thinking I'm going to honker down and love my nest. I am going to make this a wonderful jewel box, with my available resources (namely - me and my talents) and just enjoy my environs.
The added impetus to the change in heart, was that my husband did get a real job. It's the first time in 9 years that he is working a corporate job that pays real money (not a ton, but enough) and he fully understands the impact of his contribution. I think we can save this. I hope we can save this. I really want to save this. I did marry the right man. I have no doubt about this now. He is eccentric, quirky and at times naive. He is the father of my only child and I have never seen him hurt another person or animal. He and I share similar political and religious views. I should have been kinder to him, I was not. I was out right mean. He deserves better.
I hope that I was in a phase - -like teenaged rebellion. My hope for me is that I can regain my moral compass and that this incredible man I married 24 years ago, sees it the same way.
This has been a very humbling time. I've watched my daughter succumb to all sorts of temptations. She has also managed to squeeze three years of learning into 5 years, with no real end in sight. She is semi-emancipated. She knows that she is now responsible for her own destiny. I made her weak and entitled. She never saw any struggle, that when it struck she rebelled too. Her's was one more of drugs, alcohol and bad choices. She was invited more than once to leave the university. She managed to pull herself together, meet with the dean and probably displayed her acting chops to get reinstated.
I've watched my husband withdraw, hold on to a fantasy and just not to contribute. I hated him for that. He let me bear the brunt of all the financial issues. I also let him. He became more of a dependent child than my peer. I had no support group, hid in my work and crafted a very devious front for my paramours. Sheer fantasy, perhaps I should have just written about it. The actual acting out the fantasy, was a step I did not think I was capable. If I am, you are too. I have no one to blame but myself and a distorted logic. I did like almost everyone I had sex with, the only exception was Bob. Just seeing his e-mail, makes me cringe and want to wash my hands and keyboard. I do think that he videotaped our session. Potentially there's some blackmail out there. The phantom, Bill had too much to lose and made me realize how sordid this whole thing was. It is true that a man will give you favor if you give them a blow job. I learned to like it, embraced it as if it was my occupation - -and secretly wished that I got more than a few free dinners out of the deal. I believe I was a bad whore...never making them pay for the milk. I learned a lot about men. In a strange way, I know that I don't want to do that anymore. I do not know if I will ever tell my husband. I know he suspects. I'm not sure if I will ever tell him.
It's time to renew - -I started this innocently enough to talk about transformation. I lost a ton of weight, found new confidence and became a whore...oops, wrong way, Kit. Time to get back on the right path and hope that it's still there for you.
Wish me a pleasant journey, I will need it.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Is Kirstie Alley that needy ?
A woman of a certain age has found that one thing you never want to do is criticize another woman. It's just not done, it's rude...you don't throw stones if you live in a glass house. Well - -I believe I have a need.
I just finished reading the Sunday paper. It is one of my guilty pleasures. I drink coffee, listen to NPR and read a few papers. There were two articles one in entertainment and the other in perspective that caught my attention and hit a raw nerve.
First we'll dive into the perspective piece, well -written by a degree'd professional citing that 'fat' was the last legitimate and vocal prejudice. In her piece she noted that people that would otherwise be ashamed of telling jokes or making comments about someones race, gender preference or heritage; would participate in lambasting the fat. It appears that this is the last vestige - -girth ! She mentioned that Michele Obama was putting her girls on a diet. The point I believe was lost in that I believe Mrs. O's objective is to get her girls on a path to a healthy lifestyle. One that does include eating good, clean food, exercising and perhaps staying away from subversive behaviors, e.g. trans fats, smoking, excessive drinking and perhaps even sex...who knows. But - -brava to Mrs O - raising daughters today is a challenge (I know) and doing it under the microscope of the media is daunting ( Congratulations, Mrs. O)...and sad that the writer took it as another slam against the corpulent. The writer's claim was that fat people wear their shame. I believe she is correct. It did give me additional perspective. I have found that since my weight loss, I do look at the fat as something I can 'catch' again. It's like a virus - - I believe I am one slab of carrot cake away for descending into the abyss myself...which brings me to the subject...
I am terribly sorry - -this is a rant - -and needs to be framed accordingly- -and appearing in the entertainment section of the paper (which is where it belonged) It's about Miss Kirstie Alley. Yes, I was one of the millions that saw her lose her weight publicly, be a spokes model for Jenny Craig. I did see her reveal on Oprah - swim suit strutting...You go girl ! I also saw her beg Oprah for some sort of reward and Oprah being, well - -Oprah gave her a kitchen beyond belief. Kudos to Oprah for praising efforts. Shame on her for not being able to say "no" to the needy Alley; again - she is Oprah and Miss Alley could push the buttons and got swag (and Ned Berkus too). Demonstrating that being needing and asking for stuff publicly is both distasteful (I hate when people leverage Oprah as if she's the ultimate human ATM machine) and can get you home renovations (whether you are worthy or not).
As with most people who do have a weight issue, Miss Alley did relapse. For those of us who suffer with this, we feel your pain. What I don't get is the need to keep doing it publicly ? It appears that this is one big infomercial for her new product line - and using the reality format to gain attention and acceptance. What's with that ? Now on one hand, very few of us do have the platform to teach. Oprah does - -and again - she does demonstrate that this is a struggle and every day is a new beginning and we all need to do what is right for us. Miss Alley's method seems more needy and self-serving. Quite frankly...Who cares ? She has morphed into the Paris Hilton of the Chubby set. Guess what...We don't need a middle-aged clebra-tante to represent all of us mid-aged women who are basically invisible - hold on to a few pounds and obsess about what's in our new designer refrigerator. Lighten up - -figuratively and literally.
Dear Miss Alley - - Get treatment, do it privately and are you so needy that you need to share these intimacies with the balance of America - and now, the world wide web? Guess what...? We don't care. Please go back to your gourmet kitchen with your lemurs, eat yourself into a coma and leave us alone...Or - -better yet - -You are an actress - -Exercise your craft - get a real job - -like the rest of us. Leave us alone -or- make us legitimately pay to see you perform in something worth seeing (try - Ibsen, Williams, Shakespeare....anything...)
Note to the producers: What the hey are you thinking ? Do you want edu-tainment, sensationalism - -or do you really want to do something to benefit the viewer. Take a look at the "Biggest Loser" - -these are everyday people making a difference...Look at Mrs. Obama - -eat healthy and exercise (live by example)...even look at Oprah - -you can't just make the fat disappear - it's a struggle.
Note to Potential Viewers: Don't watch this crap - -! Get off your sofa and take a walk...talk to your kids, read a book, edify yourself in some other way. This is worse than pornography - you are wasting your precious time watching someone that requires your adulation to carry on - -oh, and by the way - -she is getting paid (yes, money) to perform for you. Does that make it more obscene ? It should...You can make this show from your own TV room...Video your family eating -and- vegetating all at the same time...Does it have the same entertainment value ? Here's the challenge - -Do not be a spectator - Be the star of your own world and participate...you will be surprised what you can accomplished. Write your own destiny ...
For all the other middle-aged women who carry a few (or many extra) pounds on your frame. Don't buy into this - -you are better than this. If you struggle, know that we all do. Once you do accept that this is difficult - that is half the battle. There are all methods to help you shed the weight. But it's like quitting smoking, the only person who can make it happen is you. Believe in yourself and amazing things can happen. Take a pill or short cut with Miss Alley and you'll be in the same loop as she is in. Remember - -we've seen her do this before. It's a re-run...Make yours the most individual and eventful journey you can. It's all about YOU not her.
With love,
Kit
I just finished reading the Sunday paper. It is one of my guilty pleasures. I drink coffee, listen to NPR and read a few papers. There were two articles one in entertainment and the other in perspective that caught my attention and hit a raw nerve.
First we'll dive into the perspective piece, well -written by a degree'd professional citing that 'fat' was the last legitimate and vocal prejudice. In her piece she noted that people that would otherwise be ashamed of telling jokes or making comments about someones race, gender preference or heritage; would participate in lambasting the fat. It appears that this is the last vestige - -girth ! She mentioned that Michele Obama was putting her girls on a diet. The point I believe was lost in that I believe Mrs. O's objective is to get her girls on a path to a healthy lifestyle. One that does include eating good, clean food, exercising and perhaps staying away from subversive behaviors, e.g. trans fats, smoking, excessive drinking and perhaps even sex...who knows. But - -brava to Mrs O - raising daughters today is a challenge (I know) and doing it under the microscope of the media is daunting ( Congratulations, Mrs. O)...and sad that the writer took it as another slam against the corpulent. The writer's claim was that fat people wear their shame. I believe she is correct. It did give me additional perspective. I have found that since my weight loss, I do look at the fat as something I can 'catch' again. It's like a virus - - I believe I am one slab of carrot cake away for descending into the abyss myself...which brings me to the subject...
I am terribly sorry - -this is a rant - -and needs to be framed accordingly- -and appearing in the entertainment section of the paper (which is where it belonged) It's about Miss Kirstie Alley. Yes, I was one of the millions that saw her lose her weight publicly, be a spokes model for Jenny Craig. I did see her reveal on Oprah - swim suit strutting...You go girl ! I also saw her beg Oprah for some sort of reward and Oprah being, well - -Oprah gave her a kitchen beyond belief. Kudos to Oprah for praising efforts. Shame on her for not being able to say "no" to the needy Alley; again - she is Oprah and Miss Alley could push the buttons and got swag (and Ned Berkus too). Demonstrating that being needing and asking for stuff publicly is both distasteful (I hate when people leverage Oprah as if she's the ultimate human ATM machine) and can get you home renovations (whether you are worthy or not).
As with most people who do have a weight issue, Miss Alley did relapse. For those of us who suffer with this, we feel your pain. What I don't get is the need to keep doing it publicly ? It appears that this is one big infomercial for her new product line - and using the reality format to gain attention and acceptance. What's with that ? Now on one hand, very few of us do have the platform to teach. Oprah does - -and again - she does demonstrate that this is a struggle and every day is a new beginning and we all need to do what is right for us. Miss Alley's method seems more needy and self-serving. Quite frankly...Who cares ? She has morphed into the Paris Hilton of the Chubby set. Guess what...We don't need a middle-aged clebra-tante to represent all of us mid-aged women who are basically invisible - hold on to a few pounds and obsess about what's in our new designer refrigerator. Lighten up - -figuratively and literally.
Dear Miss Alley - - Get treatment, do it privately and are you so needy that you need to share these intimacies with the balance of America - and now, the world wide web? Guess what...? We don't care. Please go back to your gourmet kitchen with your lemurs, eat yourself into a coma and leave us alone...Or - -better yet - -You are an actress - -Exercise your craft - get a real job - -like the rest of us. Leave us alone -or- make us legitimately pay to see you perform in something worth seeing (try - Ibsen, Williams, Shakespeare....anything...)
Note to the producers: What the hey are you thinking ? Do you want edu-tainment, sensationalism - -or do you really want to do something to benefit the viewer. Take a look at the "Biggest Loser" - -these are everyday people making a difference...Look at Mrs. Obama - -eat healthy and exercise (live by example)...even look at Oprah - -you can't just make the fat disappear - it's a struggle.
Note to Potential Viewers: Don't watch this crap - -! Get off your sofa and take a walk...talk to your kids, read a book, edify yourself in some other way. This is worse than pornography - you are wasting your precious time watching someone that requires your adulation to carry on - -oh, and by the way - -she is getting paid (yes, money) to perform for you. Does that make it more obscene ? It should...You can make this show from your own TV room...Video your family eating -and- vegetating all at the same time...Does it have the same entertainment value ? Here's the challenge - -Do not be a spectator - Be the star of your own world and participate...you will be surprised what you can accomplished. Write your own destiny ...
For all the other middle-aged women who carry a few (or many extra) pounds on your frame. Don't buy into this - -you are better than this. If you struggle, know that we all do. Once you do accept that this is difficult - that is half the battle. There are all methods to help you shed the weight. But it's like quitting smoking, the only person who can make it happen is you. Believe in yourself and amazing things can happen. Take a pill or short cut with Miss Alley and you'll be in the same loop as she is in. Remember - -we've seen her do this before. It's a re-run...Make yours the most individual and eventful journey you can. It's all about YOU not her.
With love,
Kit
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I made THE call today
I shouldn't say I made THE call today. I finally connected, made the appointment and confessed my sins to my attorney. Yes, she is my attorney. I feel so empowered and I feel like I have finally started the process of ending my marriage. Whew...I thought I was ready. I know I am.
The date is next week. I've got the paperwork, directions and cash. Now, it's time to execute.
There will be so many changes to several people's lives based on my one decision. I don't feel worthy of that type of power. I just know that it's not good for me to continue to live this way.
There are so many celebrations when people decide to get married. I believe being engaged was the happy time...so much anticipation and just jubilant of the moment. The reality is merging two lives, building a business and raising a family. Well - -the family is raised. She's fairly complete - as much as she can be given what she has to work with. The business of "Us Inc" leveled off a few years ago and has been in steady decline since. If it was my business, I would have sold it off years ago and the merging of lives - -now seems like pathetic entwindment - like spaghetti or a twisted neck chain...no happy ending and just circles of frustration.
It's not as if there is anything better. I've played, experimented and come to the realization that you still need to be your best friend. Sometimes you have as good as it gets - -not striving for perfection, just don't want all the pressure and responsibility of -- -everything. I also want an intimate relationship with a man, not a cordial co-habitation...asking for too much? I think I would like a little romance too - I'm kind of tired of all the effort...in every capacity.
He is a wonderful man - I never want to be an ex-basher. There is nothing wrong with him. He is only guilty of being himself and of loving me. The reason I did marry him was that he was the first person I dated that did not want to change me. I found that he didn't want to cast me in the stereotypical wife role and I did like that; it worked. I did need for him to be stronger, more forceful. He is brilliant, great sense of humor, honest, loyal and was a great kisser. I wouldn't know any more. He gave me razor burn the first time we enjoyed each other. His lips were wonderfully soft and he was a passionate lover. No regrets, just don't know the exact moment it way awry - -or if it was the figurative death-by-a-thousand-cuts.
More to come...this too will be a journey...
With love,
Kit
The date is next week. I've got the paperwork, directions and cash. Now, it's time to execute.
There will be so many changes to several people's lives based on my one decision. I don't feel worthy of that type of power. I just know that it's not good for me to continue to live this way.
There are so many celebrations when people decide to get married. I believe being engaged was the happy time...so much anticipation and just jubilant of the moment. The reality is merging two lives, building a business and raising a family. Well - -the family is raised. She's fairly complete - as much as she can be given what she has to work with. The business of "Us Inc" leveled off a few years ago and has been in steady decline since. If it was my business, I would have sold it off years ago and the merging of lives - -now seems like pathetic entwindment - like spaghetti or a twisted neck chain...no happy ending and just circles of frustration.
It's not as if there is anything better. I've played, experimented and come to the realization that you still need to be your best friend. Sometimes you have as good as it gets - -not striving for perfection, just don't want all the pressure and responsibility of -- -everything. I also want an intimate relationship with a man, not a cordial co-habitation...asking for too much? I think I would like a little romance too - I'm kind of tired of all the effort...in every capacity.
He is a wonderful man - I never want to be an ex-basher. There is nothing wrong with him. He is only guilty of being himself and of loving me. The reason I did marry him was that he was the first person I dated that did not want to change me. I found that he didn't want to cast me in the stereotypical wife role and I did like that; it worked. I did need for him to be stronger, more forceful. He is brilliant, great sense of humor, honest, loyal and was a great kisser. I wouldn't know any more. He gave me razor burn the first time we enjoyed each other. His lips were wonderfully soft and he was a passionate lover. No regrets, just don't know the exact moment it way awry - -or if it was the figurative death-by-a-thousand-cuts.
More to come...this too will be a journey...
With love,
Kit
Monday, March 15, 2010
Oh my - -I feel the Variation....Six Sigma and more...
You know there are days when things just go right - and you do not know whether to attribute them to luck or planning.
I'm just going to go with it. I believe in Six Sigma lingo, it's called 'feeling the variation'...
Here's the question...someone asks you, "Are you happy?"...
And this is someone that you have had incredible sex, know that he adores you - -but somehow or some way will not come out and say it. You also know that this is a someone who just loves women - - has a huge ego (and parts to match) and can't really connect intimately. You know that he is someone that probably had sex with someone else and missed being with you - but because he can't tell you how he really feels about you, lobs over..."Are you happy?"...
Well - -darlin' - - "Happy" is a graduation in variation...all the way from a slight smile (a la Mona Lisa would be a one) to a screaming orgasm(s) - make that a "10" -or- maybe it's the few seconds after the actual orgasm that are sheer bliss...perhaps making it an "11".
When asked, I was sitting at about a 6 - -happy with life in general, not feeling anxious or depressed...pleased that the weather was nice and just looking forward to taking an unrushed shower and deep condition my hair. Then after the 'ask'...oh, I started to slip...what does this mean? He really does miss me...he even said so...however, it is convenient to say so in a text message- -it's almost as if he's keeping in touch, maintaining the business side of it - ensuring that he's in good favor, so he can continue to get good favor.
Is it an oxymoron to be middle-aged and happy? I'm starting to think that I'm evolving into a Middle Aged Babe (MAB)...and I am indeed "Babe-a-licious...Has that for variation ???!
I'm also thinking that I don't have to fall for the "Are you happy?" bait too...Of course I am, I am healthy, got great skin, was having a fabulous hair day and saved $5 yesterday (today, I saved more)....he teases, but I will not let him sway me. I have an incling that he'd like me to fall into his depressive mode...sorry, not there...I'm not buying it. Stay in your snowy, dreary climate...mine is full of sunshine and yes, smiles...I may even burp flowery bubbles...so there !
I'm just going to go with it. I believe in Six Sigma lingo, it's called 'feeling the variation'...
Here's the question...someone asks you, "Are you happy?"...
And this is someone that you have had incredible sex, know that he adores you - -but somehow or some way will not come out and say it. You also know that this is a someone who just loves women - - has a huge ego (and parts to match) and can't really connect intimately. You know that he is someone that probably had sex with someone else and missed being with you - but because he can't tell you how he really feels about you, lobs over..."Are you happy?"...
Well - -darlin' - - "Happy" is a graduation in variation...all the way from a slight smile (a la Mona Lisa would be a one) to a screaming orgasm(s) - make that a "10" -or- maybe it's the few seconds after the actual orgasm that are sheer bliss...perhaps making it an "11".
When asked, I was sitting at about a 6 - -happy with life in general, not feeling anxious or depressed...pleased that the weather was nice and just looking forward to taking an unrushed shower and deep condition my hair. Then after the 'ask'...oh, I started to slip...what does this mean? He really does miss me...he even said so...however, it is convenient to say so in a text message- -it's almost as if he's keeping in touch, maintaining the business side of it - ensuring that he's in good favor, so he can continue to get good favor.
Is it an oxymoron to be middle-aged and happy? I'm starting to think that I'm evolving into a Middle Aged Babe (MAB)...and I am indeed "Babe-a-licious...Has that for variation ???!
I'm also thinking that I don't have to fall for the "Are you happy?" bait too...Of course I am, I am healthy, got great skin, was having a fabulous hair day and saved $5 yesterday (today, I saved more)....he teases, but I will not let him sway me. I have an incling that he'd like me to fall into his depressive mode...sorry, not there...I'm not buying it. Stay in your snowy, dreary climate...mine is full of sunshine and yes, smiles...I may even burp flowery bubbles...so there !
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Spark People and THE Resolve
I'm probably the last person to stumble upon the "Spark" people...but it's worth a mention....
I signed up for 3-goals this week. I like a goal driven philosophy - -here they are:
I signed up for 3-goals this week. I like a goal driven philosophy - -here they are:
- Get 8 hours of sleep a night
- Save $5 a day
- Run/Walk - 5 miles this week.
All of which do not seem taxing at all and in a way can give me something to track that's tangible.
Sleeping, saving and stepping are all good for the soul.
I have started to pull the divorce trigger...quite liberating. Spoke to a long standing acquaintance on Friday, she found her husband filandered. She was so hurt; but empowered. She took this as the opportunity to get her life in order. Divorced him, took 6 weeks completeley and she isn't looking back. She's a woman that used to work for me and she's given me the inspiration to finally do it.
I got the courage, and called...then got stuck in a phone-mail-tag-telephone-tree-net that was just unforgiving and really unacceptable. I did leave several messages. I saved the money, I want to do this. It is time. The big question is: how do you get him to move out ?
It is daunting...why won't he just leave? I believe because he cannot. He does not have the direction, options or faith in himself to do it. It is time, it is time...OH, it's so time...
Now time to go for a walk - -it's one of my resolves for the week...time to breath deeply and be thankful.
Gratitude is an interesting thing...I would like to thank my sponsors:
- My childhood friend (AM) that always knows how to make me laugh - -and she just loves to eat.
- My cousin "J", that made me feel loved- in a maternal way for the first time in a very, very long time.
- Surf-and-Turf Market for having the most nutritious and delicious food on the planet, and
- The "coffee gods" - that get me motivated to do my expense accounts (and I should be grateful that I have expense account access).
With love,
Kit
Friday, March 5, 2010
RE Invention 102
I do believe that' it better to blog than to send your heartfelt feelings to someone you are attempting to have a relationship.
Here's the net - Fell into a man's gravity, under the forthright pretense of friendship - there's still a strong mutual attraction, intense chemistry - and too many doubts or insecurities.
Yes, there was sex involved. Isn't there always sex involved? oh - -and it was good sex.
I was accused of wanting the "dream", I believe that's man for "happily ever after"...reality is...I Do Not. I believe that I prefer companionship, someone to have a brief encounter, perhaps dinner and a movie and then maybe a periodic overnight stay...but nothing more.
It's completely appropriate for a woman to not have to want to own a man. I do like men. I really like this man. I like the way his skin feels. I like his taste. I like how he kisses me. I appreciate his tenderness and I really like his love making technique. I like everything about his gravity. I gain strength from his kisses and feel intensely.
There is something about a physical encounter that makes you feel completely safe: enveloped in the arms of a man that desires you.
Here's the rub - The chemistry is there. The sex is great. There's a vulnerability about the psyche that's evident. I don't know if we're beyond having a real interpersonal relationship. We can talk. We do talk. We even communicate. He says he has to 'be in control' and doesn't have that with me. I don't know what that means. He has a history of being with mean women. I refuse to be mean. I am not mean. I want to give him so much, BUT do I view him as needing me? Ah, is it I that wants to rescue. A beautiful man that's been damaged by a cheating spouse would be quite grateful. However, it's not quite working out that way.
I have received many communiques from him. Are they all tied to other women that just don't quite measure up, he legitimately misses me and then the cycle repeats...we have sex and then both get scared AGAIN...? Humm...
Is this what's referred to as a red flag? I believe it is (that's the inner monologue speaking...). The other advantage of the blog is that you get to answer the quandary..So as I was so adamant about reinvention, it appears that I have some unfinished business....a husband and a friend with benefits type. I believe that's the middle ground that we've agreed to enter. "Friends with Benefits"...so easy and yet so non-committal.
Reality is: I would follow this man anywhere. Yes, it is sad. I cannot call him, I cannot e-mail him. I want to, but I will not. It is a game, he must take initiative. I will no longer. If he wants me - as he has in the past - he will need to pursue. Is that a man need? I believe if he wants the control, I will give it to him. Here it is, babe - -all the control you want.
I believe I like this. Drive...you want the wheel? Here you go...An evening of wreck less abandon. I just loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. Time to let go....breathe in. breathe out...relax...wait, be patient...breathe...keep centered....
Things to be thankful for:
Here's the net - Fell into a man's gravity, under the forthright pretense of friendship - there's still a strong mutual attraction, intense chemistry - and too many doubts or insecurities.
Yes, there was sex involved. Isn't there always sex involved? oh - -and it was good sex.
I was accused of wanting the "dream", I believe that's man for "happily ever after"...reality is...I Do Not. I believe that I prefer companionship, someone to have a brief encounter, perhaps dinner and a movie and then maybe a periodic overnight stay...but nothing more.
It's completely appropriate for a woman to not have to want to own a man. I do like men. I really like this man. I like the way his skin feels. I like his taste. I like how he kisses me. I appreciate his tenderness and I really like his love making technique. I like everything about his gravity. I gain strength from his kisses and feel intensely.
There is something about a physical encounter that makes you feel completely safe: enveloped in the arms of a man that desires you.
Here's the rub - The chemistry is there. The sex is great. There's a vulnerability about the psyche that's evident. I don't know if we're beyond having a real interpersonal relationship. We can talk. We do talk. We even communicate. He says he has to 'be in control' and doesn't have that with me. I don't know what that means. He has a history of being with mean women. I refuse to be mean. I am not mean. I want to give him so much, BUT do I view him as needing me? Ah, is it I that wants to rescue. A beautiful man that's been damaged by a cheating spouse would be quite grateful. However, it's not quite working out that way.
I have received many communiques from him. Are they all tied to other women that just don't quite measure up, he legitimately misses me and then the cycle repeats...we have sex and then both get scared AGAIN...? Humm...
Is this what's referred to as a red flag? I believe it is (that's the inner monologue speaking...). The other advantage of the blog is that you get to answer the quandary..So as I was so adamant about reinvention, it appears that I have some unfinished business....a husband and a friend with benefits type. I believe that's the middle ground that we've agreed to enter. "Friends with Benefits"...so easy and yet so non-committal.
Reality is: I would follow this man anywhere. Yes, it is sad. I cannot call him, I cannot e-mail him. I want to, but I will not. It is a game, he must take initiative. I will no longer. If he wants me - as he has in the past - he will need to pursue. Is that a man need? I believe if he wants the control, I will give it to him. Here it is, babe - -all the control you want.
I believe I like this. Drive...you want the wheel? Here you go...An evening of wreck less abandon. I just loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. Time to let go....breathe in. breathe out...relax...wait, be patient...breathe...keep centered....
Things to be thankful for:
- Today - I got to be 'in the zone'...
- My health- I was given a wonderful body. I appreciate it, it works and I need to treat it better. I apologize for eating a pint of Cherry Garcia today. It was a momentary lapse.
- My credit union - They honored their promise of community and refunded me the money the anonymous digital rapist stole from me.
- A hotel shower with towels - I'm going to take a long shower, wash my hair, deep condition it - I'm going to breathe in the steam and hope that both my head and lungs get purified. I will sleep alone and like it.
The journey home starts tomorrow: real and metaphoric. I like it here in Colorado. There just seems to be more substance than Florida. Let's start the journey with clean hair, a smile and the confidence that it will be a quality adventure.
With love,
Kit
Sunday, February 28, 2010
REinvention 102
Yes - it has been a while and it's a new year, culminating the end of the 2nd month and 2010 is a very interesting year so far...
Let's do a brief re-cap of 2009 - -I decided that I did not want to be married anymore, had a series of interesting liaisons with a mixture of middle-aged gentlemen; kept my job for another year - actually excelled at it - -went to some fabulous places: Japan, South Africa and India - found that I have more energy and a wacky libido that does need addressing - and undressing on a regular basis.
I did save most of my vacation time to work at a high end luxury goods boutique over the holidays...and I loved it...I rediscovered my likes and dislikes. I'm still urning for my moral compass. I don't like this state of 'in between' and 'indifference' - I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I do best without a true relationship, that maybe life is a series of chapters and this is meant to be the 'introspective' 'give back' time...define myself as a brand...what do you want your promise of value to be? Hummmm - -For some reason I never envisioned myself as a middle-aged tramp just looking to connect at a moment's notice; I hope that it hasn't come to that. Oh - -and I have kept in touch with George. I think we are both more comfortable online and I do suspect a tad of addiction on his side- hence, distance is a good thing.
Now here comes the re-invention part. What I have discovered is that I get my motivation and inspiration from people and interaction with people - I do not get it from inside (Damn you - -Meyers-Briggs!). My city is where I work -in virtual space - I do need people interaction and validation (who doesn't ?)
This working in the virtual world does leave you feeling isolated and I can see where the temptations can lead...I have been a very bad girl. I somewhat am impressed that I actually had the courage to exercise my passions and now it is time to re-group. The sex thing didn't work; it is satisfying - but empty. Sex with a committed partner is infinitely more satisfying than new sex with a new partner. There is something about reckless abandon (with the emphasis on reckless) with someone who does not know anything about you and is just interested in the satisfaction of the act. I also do like the banter of a new engagement - just don't want any of the work, follow up or really the commitment...but, I do change my mind on this topic almost on an hourly basis...
However - -(off sex) there is something highly satisfying about working in your personal 'zone' that I adore. It's a special place that reminds me of doing figure skating school figures...repetition, precision and focus. When you get in that place, you know you are definitely on game and don't care what time it is, where you are -
Back to the brand-thing...there is just so much potential here. I need to write my goals in very clear and crisp fashion and start following the plan. Let's start the process.
1- Get a divorce...yes, be fair to all involved and get the process underway. Get the initial appointment booked, meet with the attorney, bite the bullet and know that you are going to have to pay (yes, I do) that is a major part of the dissatisfaction. Can this relationship be saved..."NO".
2-Get a job offshore. Yes, you heard right. I do not belong here. I need to stretch my environment as far as I can take it and still be out of harm's way. So - -India a possibility - -South Africa - no way...Eastern Europe - -a possibility. I was thinking of Colorado at first and now that I'm here in the winter time...this is quite dreadful. I do realize that after you live in Florida for 12 years that you do get spoiled, come to demand sunshine on a regular basis. Perhaps rather than cutting lose on everything, that I keep the house in Florida for the winter and get something very small in Colorado, London, Switzerland, Sweden, India for the summertime.
3-Go to therapy - acknowledge that you do need help with the figurative moral compass; you've had fun - it's time to grow up and face the truth - No one is going to make you whole, but you !You know that when you do go through a physical transformation, there was a reason you were big in the first place. I did discover that I fed my anger and dissatisfaction. I did not feel anything at all.
4-Write that business plan - you know that corporate America pays the bills (actually, it's the insurance benefits that have kept me there as long as I am)..but it is not your passion. Tap into the idea about the cooperative of Indian craftspeople and an online business.You know it will work. You are an entrepreneur and it will take you to the next phase of live very nicely. The other interesting part of the virtual world - -is that no one knows how old you are - your work stands on its own. It's a very clever device and can make it work for you..
Be reflective, but don't stay in your head for long periods of time. It appears that if I do get too introspective that I get depressed, anxious and stressed.
When I was young, I trained as a figure skater. I spent hours perfecting school figures, dance patterns and freestyle programs. It kept me active. I learned focus and discipline and it honed a competitive drive that does require outlet. What it also did was make me more introverted. There is nothing more humbling than performing on the ice, alone. You leave yourself open to heavy scrutiny and if you've done anything less than your best. You are the one that bears the burden. It does become fuel for improvement. This sport also kept me from fully developing social skills- but that came later. I was the 'girl that skated'...I developed confidence and poise. It served me well. I went through a phase in my mid-twenties that I thought I had done my best work in my life as a skater. I believe I was wrong. I've got a tremendous amount of talent and drive - but I'm not greedy. Perhaps that what you need in order to be uber successful..BUT, I believe that what I'm striving for is a personal best, not necessarily outside validation of it. I need to know that I've done my best. Right now, I'm feeling that I'm not giving it my all. Perhaps it is time to step the game up.
Note to the other middle-aged ladies: I do hate that your husbands look at me when they are with you in public. It is embarrassing. I am pleased that I make a nice appearance, wear stylish clothes and have a certain style (I'm going for Carolina Herrara - -although I might be a tad more slutty). I am not going to change to make you feel more comfortable with him. Remember, I am alone - -you are not and I don't want him. I'd rather have a bi-annual tumble with my George than your husband, any day. (Just a little rant based on a man's attention to me in the breakfast restaurant of a hotel in Denver. To the lovely woman he was with - I am sorry. I did not encourage him).
Let's do a brief re-cap of 2009 - -I decided that I did not want to be married anymore, had a series of interesting liaisons with a mixture of middle-aged gentlemen; kept my job for another year - actually excelled at it - -went to some fabulous places: Japan, South Africa and India - found that I have more energy and a wacky libido that does need addressing - and undressing on a regular basis.
I did save most of my vacation time to work at a high end luxury goods boutique over the holidays...and I loved it...I rediscovered my likes and dislikes. I'm still urning for my moral compass. I don't like this state of 'in between' and 'indifference' - I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I do best without a true relationship, that maybe life is a series of chapters and this is meant to be the 'introspective' 'give back' time...define myself as a brand...what do you want your promise of value to be? Hummmm - -For some reason I never envisioned myself as a middle-aged tramp just looking to connect at a moment's notice; I hope that it hasn't come to that. Oh - -and I have kept in touch with George. I think we are both more comfortable online and I do suspect a tad of addiction on his side- hence, distance is a good thing.
Now here comes the re-invention part. What I have discovered is that I get my motivation and inspiration from people and interaction with people - I do not get it from inside (Damn you - -Meyers-Briggs!). My city is where I work -in virtual space - I do need people interaction and validation (who doesn't ?)
This working in the virtual world does leave you feeling isolated and I can see where the temptations can lead...I have been a very bad girl. I somewhat am impressed that I actually had the courage to exercise my passions and now it is time to re-group. The sex thing didn't work; it is satisfying - but empty. Sex with a committed partner is infinitely more satisfying than new sex with a new partner. There is something about reckless abandon (with the emphasis on reckless) with someone who does not know anything about you and is just interested in the satisfaction of the act. I also do like the banter of a new engagement - just don't want any of the work, follow up or really the commitment...but, I do change my mind on this topic almost on an hourly basis...
However - -(off sex) there is something highly satisfying about working in your personal 'zone' that I adore. It's a special place that reminds me of doing figure skating school figures...repetition, precision and focus. When you get in that place, you know you are definitely on game and don't care what time it is, where you are -
Back to the brand-thing...there is just so much potential here. I need to write my goals in very clear and crisp fashion and start following the plan. Let's start the process.
1- Get a divorce...yes, be fair to all involved and get the process underway. Get the initial appointment booked, meet with the attorney, bite the bullet and know that you are going to have to pay (yes, I do) that is a major part of the dissatisfaction. Can this relationship be saved..."NO".
2-Get a job offshore. Yes, you heard right. I do not belong here. I need to stretch my environment as far as I can take it and still be out of harm's way. So - -India a possibility - -South Africa - no way...Eastern Europe - -a possibility. I was thinking of Colorado at first and now that I'm here in the winter time...this is quite dreadful. I do realize that after you live in Florida for 12 years that you do get spoiled, come to demand sunshine on a regular basis. Perhaps rather than cutting lose on everything, that I keep the house in Florida for the winter and get something very small in Colorado, London, Switzerland, Sweden, India for the summertime.
3-Go to therapy - acknowledge that you do need help with the figurative moral compass; you've had fun - it's time to grow up and face the truth - No one is going to make you whole, but you !You know that when you do go through a physical transformation, there was a reason you were big in the first place. I did discover that I fed my anger and dissatisfaction. I did not feel anything at all.
4-Write that business plan - you know that corporate America pays the bills (actually, it's the insurance benefits that have kept me there as long as I am)..but it is not your passion. Tap into the idea about the cooperative of Indian craftspeople and an online business.You know it will work. You are an entrepreneur and it will take you to the next phase of live very nicely. The other interesting part of the virtual world - -is that no one knows how old you are - your work stands on its own. It's a very clever device and can make it work for you..
Be reflective, but don't stay in your head for long periods of time. It appears that if I do get too introspective that I get depressed, anxious and stressed.
When I was young, I trained as a figure skater. I spent hours perfecting school figures, dance patterns and freestyle programs. It kept me active. I learned focus and discipline and it honed a competitive drive that does require outlet. What it also did was make me more introverted. There is nothing more humbling than performing on the ice, alone. You leave yourself open to heavy scrutiny and if you've done anything less than your best. You are the one that bears the burden. It does become fuel for improvement. This sport also kept me from fully developing social skills- but that came later. I was the 'girl that skated'...I developed confidence and poise. It served me well. I went through a phase in my mid-twenties that I thought I had done my best work in my life as a skater. I believe I was wrong. I've got a tremendous amount of talent and drive - but I'm not greedy. Perhaps that what you need in order to be uber successful..BUT, I believe that what I'm striving for is a personal best, not necessarily outside validation of it. I need to know that I've done my best. Right now, I'm feeling that I'm not giving it my all. Perhaps it is time to step the game up.
Note to the other middle-aged ladies: I do hate that your husbands look at me when they are with you in public. It is embarrassing. I am pleased that I make a nice appearance, wear stylish clothes and have a certain style (I'm going for Carolina Herrara - -although I might be a tad more slutty). I am not going to change to make you feel more comfortable with him. Remember, I am alone - -you are not and I don't want him. I'd rather have a bi-annual tumble with my George than your husband, any day. (Just a little rant based on a man's attention to me in the breakfast restaurant of a hotel in Denver. To the lovely woman he was with - I am sorry. I did not encourage him).
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