Here's the net - Fell into a man's gravity, under the forthright pretense of friendship - there's still a strong mutual attraction, intense chemistry - and too many doubts or insecurities.
Yes, there was sex involved. Isn't there always sex involved? oh - -and it was good sex.
I was accused of wanting the "dream", I believe that's man for "happily ever after"...reality is...I Do Not. I believe that I prefer companionship, someone to have a brief encounter, perhaps dinner and a movie and then maybe a periodic overnight stay...but nothing more.
It's completely appropriate for a woman to not have to want to own a man. I do like men. I really like this man. I like the way his skin feels. I like his taste. I like how he kisses me. I appreciate his tenderness and I really like his love making technique. I like everything about his gravity. I gain strength from his kisses and feel intensely.
There is something about a physical encounter that makes you feel completely safe: enveloped in the arms of a man that desires you.
Here's the rub - The chemistry is there. The sex is great. There's a vulnerability about the psyche that's evident. I don't know if we're beyond having a real interpersonal relationship. We can talk. We do talk. We even communicate. He says he has to 'be in control' and doesn't have that with me. I don't know what that means. He has a history of being with mean women. I refuse to be mean. I am not mean. I want to give him so much, BUT do I view him as needing me? Ah, is it I that wants to rescue. A beautiful man that's been damaged by a cheating spouse would be quite grateful. However, it's not quite working out that way.
I have received many communiques from him. Are they all tied to other women that just don't quite measure up, he legitimately misses me and then the cycle repeats...we have sex and then both get scared AGAIN...? Humm...
Is this what's referred to as a red flag? I believe it is (that's the inner monologue speaking...). The other advantage of the blog is that you get to answer the quandary..So as I was so adamant about reinvention, it appears that I have some unfinished business....a husband and a friend with benefits type. I believe that's the middle ground that we've agreed to enter. "Friends with Benefits"...so easy and yet so non-committal.
Reality is: I would follow this man anywhere. Yes, it is sad. I cannot call him, I cannot e-mail him. I want to, but I will not. It is a game, he must take initiative. I will no longer. If he wants me - as he has in the past - he will need to pursue. Is that a man need? I believe if he wants the control, I will give it to him. Here it is, babe - -all the control you want.
I believe I like this. Drive...you want the wheel? Here you go...An evening of wreck less abandon. I just loved it. I wanted more. I still want more. Time to let go....breathe in. breathe out...relax...wait, be patient...breathe...keep centered....
Things to be thankful for:
- Today - I got to be 'in the zone'...
- My health- I was given a wonderful body. I appreciate it, it works and I need to treat it better. I apologize for eating a pint of Cherry Garcia today. It was a momentary lapse.
- My credit union - They honored their promise of community and refunded me the money the anonymous digital rapist stole from me.
- A hotel shower with towels - I'm going to take a long shower, wash my hair, deep condition it - I'm going to breathe in the steam and hope that both my head and lungs get purified. I will sleep alone and like it.
The journey home starts tomorrow: real and metaphoric. I like it here in Colorado. There just seems to be more substance than Florida. Let's start the journey with clean hair, a smile and the confidence that it will be a quality adventure.
With love,
Kit
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