REinvention 102

Yes - it has been a while and it's a new year, culminating the end of the 2nd month and 2010 is a very interesting year so far...

Let's do a brief re-cap of 2009 - -I decided that I did not want to be married anymore, had a series of interesting liaisons with a mixture of middle-aged gentlemen; kept my job for another year - actually excelled at it - -went to some fabulous places: Japan, South Africa and India - found that I have more energy and a wacky libido that does need addressing - and undressing on a regular basis.

I did save most of my vacation time to work at a high end luxury goods boutique over the holidays...and I loved it...I rediscovered my likes and dislikes. I'm still urning for my moral compass. I don't like this state of 'in between' and 'indifference' - I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I do best without a true relationship, that maybe life is a series of chapters and this is meant to be the 'introspective' 'give back' time...define myself as a brand...what do you want your promise of value to be? Hummmm - -For some reason I never envisioned myself as a middle-aged tramp just looking to connect at a moment's notice; I hope that it hasn't come to that. Oh - -and I have kept in touch with George. I think we are both more comfortable online and I do suspect a tad of addiction on his side- hence, distance is a good thing.

Now here comes the re-invention part. What I have discovered is that I get my motivation and inspiration from people and interaction with people - I do not get it from inside (Damn you - -Meyers-Briggs!). My city is where I work -in virtual space - I do need people interaction and validation (who doesn't ?)

This working in the virtual world does leave you feeling isolated and I can see where the temptations can lead...I have been a very bad girl. I somewhat am impressed that I actually had the courage to exercise my passions and now it is time to re-group. The sex thing didn't work; it is satisfying - but empty. Sex with a committed partner is infinitely more satisfying than new sex with a new partner. There is something about reckless abandon (with the emphasis on reckless) with someone who does not know anything about you and is just interested in the satisfaction of the act. I also do like the banter of a new engagement - just don't want any of the work, follow up or really the commitment...but, I do change my mind on this topic almost on an hourly basis...

However - -(off sex) there is something highly satisfying about working in your personal 'zone' that I adore. It's a special place that reminds me of doing figure skating school figures...repetition, precision and focus. When you get in that place, you know you are definitely on game and don't care what time it is, where you are -

Back to the brand-thing...there is just so much potential here. I need to write my goals in very clear and crisp fashion and start following the plan. Let's start the process.

1- Get a divorce...yes, be fair to all involved and get the process underway. Get the initial appointment booked, meet with the attorney, bite the bullet and know that you are going to have to pay (yes, I do) that is a major part of the dissatisfaction. Can this relationship be saved..."NO".

2-Get a job offshore. Yes, you heard right. I do not belong here. I need to stretch my environment as far as I can take it and still be out of harm's way. So - -India a possibility - -South Africa - no way...Eastern Europe - -a possibility. I was thinking of Colorado at first and now that I'm here in the winter time...this is quite dreadful. I do realize that after you live in Florida for 12 years that you do get spoiled, come to demand sunshine on a regular basis. Perhaps rather than cutting lose on everything, that I keep the house in Florida for the winter and get something very small in Colorado, London, Switzerland, Sweden, India for the summertime.

3-Go to therapy - acknowledge that you do need help with the figurative moral compass; you've had fun - it's time to grow up and face the truth - No one is going to make you whole, but you !You know that when you do go through a physical transformation, there was a reason you were big in the first place. I did discover that I fed my anger and dissatisfaction. I did not feel anything at all.

4-Write that business plan - you know that corporate America pays the bills (actually, it's the insurance benefits that have kept me there as long as I am)..but it is not your passion. Tap into the idea about the cooperative of Indian craftspeople and an online business.You know it will work. You are an entrepreneur and it will take you to the next phase of live very nicely. The other interesting part of the virtual world - -is that no one knows how old you are - your work stands on its own. It's a very clever device and can make it work for you..

Be reflective, but don't stay in your head for long periods of time. It appears that if I do get too introspective that I get depressed, anxious and stressed.

When I was young, I trained as a figure skater. I spent hours perfecting school figures, dance patterns and freestyle programs. It kept me active. I learned focus and discipline and it honed a competitive drive that does require outlet. What it also did was make me more introverted. There is nothing more humbling than performing on the ice, alone. You leave yourself open to heavy scrutiny and if you've done anything less than your best. You are the one that bears the burden. It does become fuel for improvement. This sport also kept me from fully developing social skills- but that came later. I was the 'girl that skated'...I developed confidence and poise. It served me well. I went through a phase in my mid-twenties that I thought I had done my best work in my life as a skater. I believe I was wrong. I've got a tremendous amount of talent and drive - but I'm not greedy. Perhaps that what you need in order to be uber successful..BUT, I believe that what I'm striving for is a personal best, not necessarily outside validation of it. I need to know that I've done my best. Right now, I'm feeling that I'm not giving it my all. Perhaps it is time to step the game up.

Note to the other middle-aged ladies: I do hate that your husbands look at me when they are with you in public. It is embarrassing. I am pleased that I make a nice appearance, wear stylish clothes and have a certain style (I'm going for Carolina Herrara - -although I might be a tad more slutty). I am not going to change to make you feel more comfortable with him. Remember, I am alone - -you are not and I don't want him. I'd rather have a bi-annual tumble with my George than your husband, any day. (Just a little rant based on a man's attention to me in the breakfast restaurant of a hotel in Denver. To the lovely woman he was with - I am sorry. I did not encourage him).