Confession Time: Middle-age Infidelity in India !

OK - With the reinvention also came waves of doubt, remorse and curiosity. I found that as my packaging (the fat) started to melt, my libido came out of hibernation. It was a very slow awakening and then Kaboom... I have been married to one man for over 28 years. I thought he was the love of my life, we had a series of disappointments that put a huge wall between us. Although we were good friends, there was no spark. There was no sex, just gentle kiss 'hello and good bye'...genuine affection and hand holding. I dove deeper into work and succeeded. I was rewarded with promotions and tony assignments. I grew increasingly empty inside, but loyal and devoted to my husband and my marriage.

In March of 2008; I was sent to India for work. I found myself sitting in business class from New York to Delhi next to a very articulate (and handsome) Indian national. The unusual part of this is I typically plug myself into my iPod and open a book upon taking my seat, just to send the 'leave me alone signal'. This man had the most attractive, yet sad, brown eyes I have ever seen. He was tall, slender, short cropped black curly hair and just exquisite hands. I know - I know. I noticed the hands immediately: long, slender and very well groomed. He was a gentleman; well dressed, pressed and ready for a long trip. He introduced himself, extended his hand and shook mine firmly. He kept his eyes fixated on mine, not creepy - -highly approving and complimentary. It seemed like kismet. We talked for hours, ate together as you do on planes..and drank wine as you do on planes in business class. The flight attendants thought we were travelling together and gestured appropriately to an couple enjoying each other and the trip. New York to Delhi is a 15 hour flight...yes - -a 15 hour flight. Talking non-stop, we were moving closer to each other telling jokes and then he lightly touch the inside of my left wrist...very nonchalantly, non threatening and highly electric. I could feel a surge of his energy enter me- and I was not having a hot flash. I knew I was in trouble. The lights were very dim in the cabin and he leaned into me, lips grazing mine- -magical. He took my breath away. It was the most romantic moment of my life. His hand pulled my head closer to his and he kissed me deeply, passionately and for what seemed like an eternity. This lips were peppered with a light curry from his meal and mine were salty - -He tasted delicious and he tasted like more. Our lips parted and he gazed deeply into my eyes, rubbing his lips against my cheeks, eyelids and back to my lips, this time his tongue deeply explored mine. Time seemed to stand still, the cabin was dark and still and all I could do was feel his heartbeat and breath. This was the mother of all business trips !
I have travelled on business for over 25 years and have never, never had an encounter on a plane. I've heard of the mile-high club and all sorts of sordid activities that people do on planes and never thought it would be me...not kissing is not a bad thing. It does pass the time; it was after all a 15 hour plane ride! This was like a dream sequence. When it was time to debark, he told me that he would escort me off the plane through immigration. I was thinking that the plane was an isolated experience. It appears that he is a ranking executive with a multi national Indian based firm. He was greeted at the cabin door by an VIP escort and we were taken through a VIP immigration line. If you've ever been to Delhi - the immigration line is akin to a theme park queue, complete with sweaty tourists and punctuated with third world types. It's no picnic. And because I was being escorted by this gentleman, I bypassed the entire morass...It was like being miraculously upgraded. The process that should have taken easily an hour to two, was complete in 10 minutes.
He asked me if he could take me to my hotel and I panicked. I thought that this was going to be it. Plus, I did have a driver hired to pick me up at the airport. We parted ways, he kissed me on the cheek and asked if I could be available for dinner later in the week. I agreed and thought nothing more. I dismissed it as 'stuff happens on the road' and the 'mystic of India', which will be another tangent, we'll take on another day. I thought this was going to be the last of my dashing Indian gentleman and I could go on with my hum drum life and work the next day.
Well - -the dashing gentleman did not miss a beat. He telephoned my hotel that evening to ensure that I was safe and secure and assured me that he had a delightful time with me and wished to thank me by taking me to dinner. I did mention to him that I had a very ambitious several days in Delhi, Hyderabad and several other place, and he persisted. It's is very Indian to wear you down when they want something - -evidently he did want me.
I literally floated for the next several days. I thought it was the jet lag, but I believe I was just smitten with India - -or more like my Indian gentleman, Ashwini.
He met me in the hotel lobby promptly at 6 p.m. on Wednesday, we had a few cocktails in the lounge and we could not keep our eyes off each other. I know we both knew dinner was not what either of us wanted. Indian culture is very discrete - there is no public displays of affection and there is a strong barrier between classes and races. I am a tall, white, blond woman - and all freshly packaged - -he is a fair skinned Brahmin, but nonetheless - we are a mixed race couple. I pushed my key to him and wrote the room number on the napkin. I mentioned that I'd meet him up there in 10 minutes.
I have never (this story is full of 'nevers') felt as turned on sexually as I was at this point. My thighs were trembling as I was walking and I was incredibly warm and very, oh so very wet - I took the elevator to and walked down the hall...and took a deep breadth as I knocked on my room's door...The door opened, his exquisite hand extended and pulled me into him as if it was a choreographed dance. Our lips met explosively and our hand and arms embraced...and clothes were just flinging..he sat on the corner of the bed and pulled me around him...just incredible....just flipping incredible...I will not go into the details I have in my diary...but I have never had such passionate, primal interaction with another human - -ever - -hours - yes, hours...He wanted me, he had me and I freely gave myself to him.

So here I am in a 5 star hotel in Delhi, India - -naked, exhausted and smelling like musky sex...wondering what took me so long. No guilt, no remorse, complete satisfaction - -fully engulfed in the moment and wrapped around a magnificent man. A man with the endurance of a teenager and passion that was indescribable. He kissed me lightly and asked me to bathe with him...yes, we washed each
other...delicately - -and kissed some more....I washed his hair...kissed his back...and was plugged into a level of emotion that I did not know existed. This was bliss...

He dressed and told me he would take me to dinner the following night...He kissed me passionately and left around 1:30 a.m...it was after all a school night. Yes - -I had sex for over 6 hours...Who has sex for 6 hours ?

The next day I floated, worked and daydreamed...it was the start of a long term, clandestine affair...yes, I stepped over the boundary. I was an adulteress - a 51 year old adulteress. It was the first time that I realized that I did shut myself down, I wasn't stuffing my desire away with food. I actually let me feel my own sexual desire and it was magnificent.

Reinvention - Step 2- Believe in Yourself

Hey - I was at the gym on the treadmill this afternoon - -I love walking indoors in the summertime..It's a Floridian thing. While getting in my zone with the iPod blaring to the gentle lyrics of Pink, Deep Purple and Led Zepplin (have you ever really listened to these words...If I had when I was young, I think I would have gotten into some serious trouble); I was reading several of the self-help magazines. They are chocked full of amazing stories about women losing 70+ lbs - -and all stories of personal triumph.

These ladies all had vacant stares in their "before pictures", hiding behind children, animals and huge birthday cakes. Their clothes, hair and overall demeanor was bland. They looked like they had the life sucked out of them and they looked like so many women we all know. What happened to them...what happened to their resiliency? Somewhere and somehow each of them came to the realization that there was more to life. I applaud each and every one of them. What they were capable of doing, was not only adhering to a diet, a plan or regime; that was a given. They transformed themselves. They pulled courage out and believed in themselves.

Their stories were full of handy diet tips, portion control, mind games to get through the day and rewards for making goals. The outcome were beautifully contoured bodies, shining hair and brilliant eyes - -their teeth even looked whiter.

It all seemed somewhat light in perspective. These stories did not have quite the figurative weight that celebrity chasing did or has in our society. These are uber- accomplishments. These women discovered themselves, they excelled in their environments and succeeded.

I think we should celebrate their success. They pulled themselves up, addressed their issues and won their personal demons. It's hard work. It is probably the hardest work you'll ever embrace, but once you do. You'll be quite surprised at what you're actually made of - -as said by another much wiser - -what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

How strong do you want to be? Since I've found confidence in myself, I soar. You can too. You'll find that your outlook is rosier; problems appear to be opportunities and you can't wait to wake up in the morning. Jump on the wagon - -it's no fun being the amazing, disappearing middle-aged woman - -step out and gain your own spotlight, or sunshine (whatever your preference). Once you start believing in yourself, you will find that you no longer want to eat...its a miracle ! The cravings go away- -

Here's the assignment:
1) Affirmations (as mentioned in Step 1- the Hazeldon Affirmations for AA work the same regardless of your addiction - -and yes, if you are overweight - -you do abuse food...sorry, but it's true.

2) Read up on Louise Hay - she's very cool - makes you just want to be joyous.

3) Get a Journal - or use post it notes, scrap paper...Find at least 3 things you are thankful for every day. You'll find that some days it might be as simple as "I breathed today" - -not every day is going to be an 'over-the-moon' day; but it will help you track your progress (remember we are always going forward- regardless of the route). Write it down...and own it. One day I was thankful for Diet Peach Tea Snapple...if you have ever had it, you understand (plus - no calories, chock full of flavor and reminds me of a summertime afternoon in Georgia - -sheer delight).

4) Tell yourself you are beautiful...promise? I found that when I came to peace with my body that everything just got magically better. And besides - -you are beautiful. Go into the bathroom, turn on all the lights and gaze into the mirror...Compliment yourself and smile.

Remember you are on a journey - it's a long one, it will be full of all sorts of self-discovery and fun.

Reinvention - Step 1- the teachable moment

Many years ago, I was working on a project that was going no where and fast. There was lots of dissenting, agenda playing and just plain rude behavior. I mentioned to a trusted colleague that I just couldn't figure their behavior out and aside from the 'raised by wolves' comment that I could always rely on; he said they are not at their "teachable moment". They have the capacity, the skill, but lack the desire or necessity. He gave the term attribution and quite frankly I forget (Maybe Malcolm Knowles?) - however, I find that it was very telling and did help me validate all the steps I've taken.

I found myself on the known side of 50 (my youth), thinking that there's got to be more. I decided to take a deep inventory of my assets (naturally) and an even more introspective view of my liabilities. Why are the liabilities so painful? And thought, I believe I'm at my personal 'teachable moment'...and what am I going to do about it. Here's what my inventory and my doctor told me...

1. You are overweight ! Yes, I was. I was wearing 205 lbs on my 5'7" frame and just don't know how that happened. Well - that also put me in a pre-diabetic state and just plain lethargic.
2. You work too much ! Yes, I do (note - I didn't say did). I've worked for a major technology company for 25 years and have a position of some figurative weight and benefit: Extensive world travel, dinner in 5-star restaurants and access to some fairly amazing work.
3. You have no life-work balance !- See above, when you work too much - not a lot of time to commit to other things, people, activities. It's hard to sign up for a class that meet every week at a certain time when you don't know what part of the world you might be in for the next 12 consecutive weeks. I have always said that I was athletic and creative and yet, really had done much (hence the 200+ lbs) or created much (other than paint some walls- -oh, in solid colors, nothing too ornate)
4. You have succeeded in alienating almost everyone that cares for you - -see Numbers 2 and 3.
5. Your only child did go to college - so did all of her friends - the house is quiet leaving you with a full refrigerator and a man you've been married to forever and don't necessarily have anything in common.

For Mother's Day that year, my daughter (I believe she's a tad clairvoyant) gave me a small picture to put on my desk...It was a saying in the sand..."Simplify your Life"...with a wave perched nearby as to say - -I'm going to take it away if you don't do something. This was a very humbling moment. Knowing my daughter, it could have been a last minute impulse purchase because she had nothing to re-gift me that would be appropriate for a 49 year old. However, I took the opportunity to reflect and I do recommend it...

Here's what I did...and we'll talk about them one at a time...Let's start with the overweight part. I know that you all know the stats and I know as a culture that we eat recreationally, eat to soothe ourselves, eat out of boredom, eat out of anger, stress and a myriad of other emotions. The point is we don't feel our emotions, we medicate them. I decided to get in touch with my body as the machine it was designed to be. Stay with me, the ending is good...

I found a doctor that specializes in holistic medicine. I told him I know I'm fat, I've tried everything (or at least I thought I had) and now I'm desperate. What to do...? Well, he and I did have a very engaging conversation. I know, you know - -if you have a weight problem it's as if you are embarrassed and ashamed all at the same time. Your weight is a barrier and it's may project that you have no self-control. I know- I know that you seem to disappear into the background. I know the pain - emotional as well as physical. I know my husband didn't look at me the same way he used to. I know that lipstick doesn't mitigate a big bottom, but I did try.

So - the magnificent Dr. McC did tell me how to lose the weight. He acted as two-fold: medical caregiver and support system all in one. He cared. I got my food list, my food diary, a list of vitamins (all store bought, nothing expensive) and the order to walk. I was also told to come in 2x's a week to weigh in. My cholesterol was in the hinterlands of 350+, and I was officially pre-diabetic. I have a very expansive history of diabetes in my gene pool. A beloved aunt lost her hands, feet and vision to the disease. She was a talented artist...it was a travesty. I know what diabetes does, it is not 'a little sugar problem' and it can destroy your life. I had the motivation.

Recommendation 1- take pictures of yourself...just for you and for motivation. I found that I had been 'camera shy' for about 12 years...being the one always taking the pictures not in them. I did not like what I saw; I also did not recognize who I was. I fully acknowledged that those were my clothes, my jewelry and shoes...but who was that fat woman wearing them ! Ah Ha !

I did have a good cry and realized that I needed to take this one step at a time. This was definitely a life defining moment. This is not who I wanted the world to know who I was . I was packaged wrong - -completely wrong.

Recommendation 2- Look forward always - Weight gain did not happen overnight, nor will it go away overnight. It has to be a journey. I made myself promise that that was the last day I was going to be an obese woman and that I did deserve better. Your eyes are facing forward for a reason and it's not to dwell in the past.

Recommendation 3- Write your goal weight down. I know it's a number and do not define yourself as a number, but it's a target someplace to hold on to when it gets rough. I picked my initial target as 150. In the mind set I was in, I thought that was a super stretch. The doctor said , "I think it should be 130-140". Was he serious ? Oh yes, dead serious...I wrote down "145" and put it on about 15 'post it notes'. I put these notes (and still have several of them) in places I go to all the time. 1) my wallet ...2) my underwear drawer...3) my make up bag...4) inside the butter dish compartment in the refrigerator)..5) where I keep my razors (just in case shaving all your body hair off can render you a quarter pound less)...6) discretely on my car dashboard 7) on the telephone- -all the places I could think would give me a passive reminder of where I wanted to go. If I wanted to go to Italy I would put Italian postcards all over, wouldn't you? Remember this is a journey

Recommendation 4- Inventory your pantry and refrigerator...and be relentless in throwing out food. My goal was to eliminate 'white food' from my diet. This was to be my first step. By white food, I'm referring to: sugar, white flour, pasta, rice, cereal, dairy (with the exception of yogurt and cottage cheese). Sugar comes in a variety of forms, very sneaky of the food industry. There is no reason you should be eating anything that has corn syrup in it. I found out from Dr. McC that the human body does not naturally crave sugar. It develops that over time and hence our abuse. Consider this a type of de-tox...Have you every quit cigarettes ? Well - -this is right up there with that. It is worth the goal. You just have to commit to it.

Back to the pantry - out with the chips, cookies, popcorn, pretzels, doritos, cupcakes, waffles, candy (yes, even the medicinal dark chocolate). Take it all out to the trash, do not - -eat any of it as you are throwing it away. It is never coming back. Make peace with that. Be strong and stand tall.

Recommendation 5- Go grocery shopping to stock up on the right stuff and do it as if you have never gone grocery shopping before. Go it alone !

Your list should comprise of: 1) protein - -chicken (white meat), turkey (white meat), fish, egg beaters 2) Vegetables: Lettuce, tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers, zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli 3) A no-fat salad dressing - like "Walden Farms" in refrigerator section 4) Low-sodium Soy Sauce 5) Wasa Bread 6) No-fat , low sugar Yogurt (Dannon makes a diabetic friendly version) 7) Crystal Lite - -I like Green Tea, Peach tea and Lemonade. 8) Fruit - Berries, apples, pears, peaches, plums - 9) No fat Cream cheese 10) Low sodium chicken stock, Herbs and spices. You can have coffee and tea - just no creamer or sugar.

That's it...now - -make a pact with yourself that you will cook all your food for the next week. You will not eat out. This is an important step - particularly in our culture. This means that you have to plan.

The idea is to 'get you into your personal space'...this is what I call it when I'm hitting on all cylinders and can't help but succeed. We'll work on personal worth too...but for now...

When I get resolve, I like to surround myself with positive messages. For me, it's going to the bookstore, camping out in the self-help section (You may want to get a book of Daily Affirmations (AA uses these very successfully, why can't we?..plus they are highly motivational))- -working with my hands - do something with my hands other than eat ! Get outside and take a walk - -feel the air on your face and in your lungs...think of what an accomplishment this journey is going to be. It is - -this story does have a good ending..

More to come -

Greetings and Welcome

Hello - -My name is Kit and this is my blog. It's been a while and I'm pleased for you to join me: converse, add perspective or just throw in an idea or concept.

I am on the verge of my 53rd birthday and I'm jubilant ! I've never felt or looked better; have a good grasp on who I am and am looking to share what I've been learning and observing.

My only child left for college several years ago and I found myself not knowing who I was, what I liked to do and my options relatively limited. You'll find that I know I'm 'workaholic', it is as deadly as substance abuse - -just pays better. I'm teetering on ending a long-time relationship, am a complete financial mess and will within the next year reinvent myself.

I am not certain what that means just yet - I just hope that you're along for the ride. I'm viewing this as an adventure and want to take it all in - not missing a bump or lift - -something like adult 'Chutes and Ladders'..