I had just gone through a series of un-inspirational ; 'dates' through the Match.com engine. I was getting to the point that I wasn't sure if it was me (oh, yes I am still married and I do realize that married means that you do not date). These are extenuating circumstance, hence that's the rationalization and I'm sticking with it.
It appears that there is an informal etiquette to the match crowd...there is a balance of on line interplay...discover: "you're cute"...I "wink" at you..you "wink back" and then we start to talk. Talking can take on many dimensions, some like to hear your voice. I understand that it is telling of your age, enthusiasm and overall diction; others tell me that they prefer to write- -gives them the illusion of distance and control --familiar, but not too.
Then as with any human interaction, it either escalates or fizzles. The fizzlers are hard to detect - I take this all with a grain of salt and consider that this is not an act of desperation, but one of casting. We're all looking and when you think you find it, pursue it. At the delicate age of 53, I am surprised how many men want to take the initiative. They want to be the hunters - allow them..it is fair, however - -if you discover them checking you out, you may do so in turn. Do not appear to anxious, it can be detected as quickly online as it is in person....It's like buying a car, be prepared to walk away even if you really want it.
So --after a string of dinner dates with very nice but boring gentleman, I thought - -this is it...I'm not doing this anymore. The icing was when asked if I wanted a creme brulle...it was code for "give me a b.j."...and that did it. I came home that evening and made a deal with myself that this was starting to get just a tad creepy and I should disconnect. I decided that Sunday, June 14th was going to be the day...plus, my ego is getting huge on this and I had had over 2000+ "viewers to my profile"...I'm actually starting to think that I am the queen of the Internet.
Then - "HE" shows up...the perfect man: George E
A profile of a gorgeous man and a portrait to match - -I'm going through his likes and passions and I'm practically comatose on the floor. This is my guy -- he was designed for me ! Several things don't align- he lives in Colorado and just why is a man of this calibre on the Internet looking for love (what the hell am I doing there?)...I take the plunge and write...apologize for being too bold, ruminate on my misfortune "dates" and tell him he looks interesting. This man's eyes are passionate and dark...he's wearing a white dress shirt and has grey hair...he is MY guy.
He writes back - -oh, and he's literate. He writes in complete sentences, despises NASCAR, does not ride a Harley and loves books. He is a consultant and author - we start to write. We write frequently and deeply, we start in e-mail, proceed to IM and move out of the Match crowd to a more personal environment. He is divorced, grown sons and was looking at options in my area due to issues with his business. I don't seem to care. He's smart, witting and magnetic - -yes, imagine that magnetic online. It is possible, the imagination is an incredible state. He pulls me closer and shares his thoughts - he loves Fitzgerald, Rand and baseball. I am smitten. There are no warning signs. All appears wonderful.
We talk on the phone occasionally, but it's as if we are meant for online only. It's a safe place, it's our place and it is very comfortable. Distance does not seem to matter, there is a closeness that I haven't experienced in quite a while. It's a mild flirtation that start a wonderful spark of interest.
We plan to meet, this is easy enough - I've got people that report to me in this area - I can visit no problem. He asks me on a date and we decide that we need to meet - the verbal chemistry is intense. I fantasize about the actual meeting - -and decide to just live in the moment.
I go to work - come back to hotel, freshen up...OK - -it was a total overhaul: hair, make up, there is not one stray hair on my body - -I am smooth. I'll wear this black Calvin Klein knock-off, thigh high black hose (courtesy of Jeff) and these stunning charcoal Donald Pliner pumps (bit of a metallic sheen, that only a woman can fully appreciate) - -simple jewelry: single pearl lariat necklace and pearl drops (real...). I do have to admit, I look good and I feel good - just a tad giddy and go to the lobby to meet HIM...I was in the lobby for the longest 5 minutes of my life when he comes in...and he is everything I thought and more. Furthermore the expression on his face when he saw me is one of those rare remembrances that you want for a lifetime memory. He was legitimately delighted to meet me. I could tell that I exceeded expectation. I was pleased.
He took my hand, kissed my cheek and just gushed over me in a very appropriate, affectionate manner. Yes, he's my guy...this is what I have been waiting for - -forever.
He takes me to a pleasant up-scale restaurant, wine, artichokes and he has a scotch. We can't keep our eyes off each other. He touches me gently, I slightly gasp - we know we have chemistry - -leaving he caters to me. We sit on a bench outside and just out of sight of the restaurant and kiss gently as a sensual breath mint. The trip to the car got a little more intense and when we arrived back to the hotel, there was no discussion. We both knew he was coming upstairs. He did ask my permission, and I did acquiesce. I do believe my response was, "I insist"...
This man has the kiss of a god. His lips are soft, backed by passion and a gentility that belies his masculinity. He is strong, takes control and kisses me with a passion I have never (repeat never) experienced. I can feel myself respond and melt all at the same time. It is heavenly. All I want to do is make love to him. I feel that all our correspondence prior to this has been foreplay. Yes - -he is the lover he appears to be and he is well-endowed and does know how to please a woman. It was a fantasy, pure confection - sweet and salty; plain delicious. I adored his gaze, his taste and his touch. He just felt good...the added plus is our parts fit well too. Our parts fit as if we were designed for each other. Never, never, never - -had I had an orgasm of that magnitude. It was reaction that my body had that made him desire me more. My body convulsed with pleasure, quakes of contractions and a rush of pure escasty that made me want more..I needed to pause and catch my breadth. This was salacious...and I definitely liked it.
This evening was a beautiful romantic interlude, there was nothing sordid about it. We were definitely both highly attracted to each other, expressed our desire and reveled in the afterglow. I do believe I was glowing for several days afterwards...or maybe it was just the mountain air.
In my spreadsheet of dates, this was the best one of a lifetime. This was an evening that you read about, you never experience. It was a slice of erotic wrapped in desire and served up with panache.
I adored him this night. I could image myself with him forever....
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Jeff, George, Several others and Laid.com
I found myself in a series of random online encounters. How better for a workaholic woman to meet men than through the virtual rabbit hole.
My persona is open and forward - - -ending long-term relationship, fun loving, energetic, educated and looking for someone to share this exciting chapter of live.
You will be surprised at how alluring the environment is - let me share.
I started initially with "The Ashley Madison Agency". This is a site that caters to cheaters. My thoughts were that I had crossed the line to cheating, was still ineffectively married and would like to experiment sexually. I did not want to commit to anyone, take anyone from someone (which is what cheating essentially is) or disappoint someone who really was searching for the love of their lives. I was lonely,mischievous and wanted to play.
The Ashley Madison experience is a very interesting one and highly ego-gratifying. Here's how it works...you sign on to their website, get a password and create your profile. Remember you are on line, no one really sees you...and I was highly uncertain. I checked all the blocks: interested in threesomes, gives oral sex, loves kinkiness...everything that would paint me as a potential 'fun partner'...oh, and these were all things that I would never entertain doing (ever).You have the choice to buy "credits" or be a guest. The credits give you the opportunity to e-mail or IM the other "members". I decided that this just might not be for me and went for the guest membership. I think my profile was available for about 10 minutes and I started to get 'pinged'...welcome '"Desiree"...how's that for a pseudo-porn star name..."Desiree"...I just loved how it sounds and rolled off the tongue (you can take that any way you want).
"Desiree" was everything that I was not...she was uninhibited, forthcoming and very graphic. This was like putting my well-manicured toe in a cesspool...and I really, really liked it.
Ladies - I had some very graphic conversations in Instant Message volleys that encouraged me to want more. I think at one point in time this is all I thought about. I also found that the middle-aged man is a very complicated and under appreciated commodity. They are somewhat caught in the 'I'm still an alpha male' - -'ah, I've had sex with the same woman forever and it still sucks' and 'I just want a little adventure'. I had come to think that they were all like lost puppies and just needed a little attention and I did enjoy giving them attention. I found that my mind was wild, exploring areas that had no limits with an audience that had no boundaries. I was no longer sexually repressed and all this was accomplished with the same tools as one uses to communicate at work...a key board and computer...wow !
There were so many men - too many - -they all started to blend together and they adored me...they adored the attention. Plus - I'm smart and attentive to detail, this was catnip. I adored them talking about their large cocks and what they would do with me. They were always encouraged to do the same with their wives; almost felt as if that was the community service. There were several that were just wonderful - -one that I've been friendly with for over a year: Jeff. Jeff is a highly successful Park Avenue attorney. He's been married to the same woman for 36 years and is hen-pecked. He has tremendous presence, quick wit and a highly vivid sexual appetite. Jeff has taught me thing that I did not know existed. Though the process, we have become very good friends, he gives me legal advice and I've given him incredible sex. Yes, we did meet. I've had several encounters with him in person (business trips). He is perfection - yet we are both cheaters, would not have it any other way and just enjoy our time together. He seduced me in the bar of the New York Hilton - -I knew it was him and we were attracted to each other like magnets. And that is the danger, impulse control - sexual desire do not work; either do zippers and buttons. We had four encounters in two days, all in between business meetings and dinners...just phenomenal..we joked that I should work in the city and call him for daily quickies. Just quickies...nothing more.
He started to send me exquisite LaPerla lingerie and thigh high stockings: sheer delight. The most beautiful lingerie made and it felt so good next to my skin; he had a baby blue satin corset made for me. It is delicious and he enjoys taking it off me. We have intense sex, rough sex and sweaty sex. We fit each other well and he looks at me adoringly. He has always been respectful and I am his escape - -or tart. There is no wish for anything more. I am his playmate and I like it. We continue to tease each other, but no strings and I let him know of all my exploits. He's like a caring buddy, but one that makes me wild with passion. Oh, and we are both still married. Ouch...
During one of Jeff's lapses, I decided that I no longer wanted to be married and started to pretend that I was "Currently Separated". This was a mental delineation and not a legal one. I stopped wearing my wedding ring when I left the house. I stopped doing "Ashley Madison" and progressed to eHarmony and Match.com...I did meet a delightful gentleman on eHarmony. The premise there is that you complete a lengthy questionnaire. I believe that the length of the questionnaire is in direct proportion to how desperate you are to find someone. I created "Kit"...oh, that's not my real name (snicker)...She was entering "the next exciting chapter of life". I did not display my picture (I am married, after all) and started to hunt. Well-- with Ashley Madison the cheaters pursue one another; with eHarmony- -they do all the work (OK, there is a price associated with it) and send you "interests"...well, my basket was filled quickly. There are dozens of men my age out there all looking...the most memorable was "Rick". Rick and I are still friends, texting and talking occasionally. He's disappointed because I am married; but we did consummate our relationship. He wasn't as torrid as Jeff or Ashvini - -but mission accomplished. I can understand why he was divorced: no real technique, too much muscle, not enough tenderness. He is a successful business man, gets commitment phobic and is just fun to play with. When I told him I was married, I devastated the poor man. He was heartbroken. It made me very sad that I knew I crossed a sacred line with him and marched off eHarmony. I was actually in a fairly decent funk for several weeks afterwards- -but then went for what I hope is my last venture: Match.com. I do believe it should be called "Laid.com". It's a more relaxed version of eHarmony, which does do a good job vetting the participants. Match is a free-for-all...you're my age, you're cute...let's meet. There's no guided communication. I actually enjoyed the courting aspect of eHarmony...name three things you like to do on a date (OK and sex wasn't mentioned). It was good clean fun and gave you the opportunity to get to know someone, oh - -and I did not show "Rick" my picture until after he asked me out for dinner. I am an attractive woman, he was shocked that I wouldn't "advertise"...I did tell him that I wanted him to get to know me and not just see my packaging, which is true. However, I'm a fricken cheater...how dishonest is that? and I did hurt him. He's a tough business man, but a gentle heart. I was a jerk for doing that. I also broke my own rule in that I did not want to hurt anyone that was looking for love. That's enough for now...we'll pick up and I'll tell you all about My George...
My persona is open and forward - - -ending long-term relationship, fun loving, energetic, educated and looking for someone to share this exciting chapter of live.
You will be surprised at how alluring the environment is - let me share.
I started initially with "The Ashley Madison Agency". This is a site that caters to cheaters. My thoughts were that I had crossed the line to cheating, was still ineffectively married and would like to experiment sexually. I did not want to commit to anyone, take anyone from someone (which is what cheating essentially is) or disappoint someone who really was searching for the love of their lives. I was lonely,mischievous and wanted to play.
The Ashley Madison experience is a very interesting one and highly ego-gratifying. Here's how it works...you sign on to their website, get a password and create your profile. Remember you are on line, no one really sees you...and I was highly uncertain. I checked all the blocks: interested in threesomes, gives oral sex, loves kinkiness...everything that would paint me as a potential 'fun partner'...oh, and these were all things that I would never entertain doing (ever).You have the choice to buy "credits" or be a guest. The credits give you the opportunity to e-mail or IM the other "members". I decided that this just might not be for me and went for the guest membership. I think my profile was available for about 10 minutes and I started to get 'pinged'...welcome '"Desiree"...how's that for a pseudo-porn star name..."Desiree"...I just loved how it sounds and rolled off the tongue (you can take that any way you want).
"Desiree" was everything that I was not...she was uninhibited, forthcoming and very graphic. This was like putting my well-manicured toe in a cesspool...and I really, really liked it.
Ladies - I had some very graphic conversations in Instant Message volleys that encouraged me to want more. I think at one point in time this is all I thought about. I also found that the middle-aged man is a very complicated and under appreciated commodity. They are somewhat caught in the 'I'm still an alpha male' - -'ah, I've had sex with the same woman forever and it still sucks' and 'I just want a little adventure'. I had come to think that they were all like lost puppies and just needed a little attention and I did enjoy giving them attention. I found that my mind was wild, exploring areas that had no limits with an audience that had no boundaries. I was no longer sexually repressed and all this was accomplished with the same tools as one uses to communicate at work...a key board and computer...wow !
There were so many men - too many - -they all started to blend together and they adored me...they adored the attention. Plus - I'm smart and attentive to detail, this was catnip. I adored them talking about their large cocks and what they would do with me. They were always encouraged to do the same with their wives; almost felt as if that was the community service. There were several that were just wonderful - -one that I've been friendly with for over a year: Jeff. Jeff is a highly successful Park Avenue attorney. He's been married to the same woman for 36 years and is hen-pecked. He has tremendous presence, quick wit and a highly vivid sexual appetite. Jeff has taught me thing that I did not know existed. Though the process, we have become very good friends, he gives me legal advice and I've given him incredible sex. Yes, we did meet. I've had several encounters with him in person (business trips). He is perfection - yet we are both cheaters, would not have it any other way and just enjoy our time together. He seduced me in the bar of the New York Hilton - -I knew it was him and we were attracted to each other like magnets. And that is the danger, impulse control - sexual desire do not work; either do zippers and buttons. We had four encounters in two days, all in between business meetings and dinners...just phenomenal..we joked that I should work in the city and call him for daily quickies. Just quickies...nothing more.
He started to send me exquisite LaPerla lingerie and thigh high stockings: sheer delight. The most beautiful lingerie made and it felt so good next to my skin; he had a baby blue satin corset made for me. It is delicious and he enjoys taking it off me. We have intense sex, rough sex and sweaty sex. We fit each other well and he looks at me adoringly. He has always been respectful and I am his escape - -or tart. There is no wish for anything more. I am his playmate and I like it. We continue to tease each other, but no strings and I let him know of all my exploits. He's like a caring buddy, but one that makes me wild with passion. Oh, and we are both still married. Ouch...
During one of Jeff's lapses, I decided that I no longer wanted to be married and started to pretend that I was "Currently Separated". This was a mental delineation and not a legal one. I stopped wearing my wedding ring when I left the house. I stopped doing "Ashley Madison" and progressed to eHarmony and Match.com...I did meet a delightful gentleman on eHarmony. The premise there is that you complete a lengthy questionnaire. I believe that the length of the questionnaire is in direct proportion to how desperate you are to find someone. I created "Kit"...oh, that's not my real name (snicker)...She was entering "the next exciting chapter of life". I did not display my picture (I am married, after all) and started to hunt. Well-- with Ashley Madison the cheaters pursue one another; with eHarmony- -they do all the work (OK, there is a price associated with it) and send you "interests"...well, my basket was filled quickly. There are dozens of men my age out there all looking...the most memorable was "Rick". Rick and I are still friends, texting and talking occasionally. He's disappointed because I am married; but we did consummate our relationship. He wasn't as torrid as Jeff or Ashvini - -but mission accomplished. I can understand why he was divorced: no real technique, too much muscle, not enough tenderness. He is a successful business man, gets commitment phobic and is just fun to play with. When I told him I was married, I devastated the poor man. He was heartbroken. It made me very sad that I knew I crossed a sacred line with him and marched off eHarmony. I was actually in a fairly decent funk for several weeks afterwards- -but then went for what I hope is my last venture: Match.com. I do believe it should be called "Laid.com". It's a more relaxed version of eHarmony, which does do a good job vetting the participants. Match is a free-for-all...you're my age, you're cute...let's meet. There's no guided communication. I actually enjoyed the courting aspect of eHarmony...name three things you like to do on a date (OK and sex wasn't mentioned). It was good clean fun and gave you the opportunity to get to know someone, oh - -and I did not show "Rick" my picture until after he asked me out for dinner. I am an attractive woman, he was shocked that I wouldn't "advertise"...I did tell him that I wanted him to get to know me and not just see my packaging, which is true. However, I'm a fricken cheater...how dishonest is that? and I did hurt him. He's a tough business man, but a gentle heart. I was a jerk for doing that. I also broke my own rule in that I did not want to hurt anyone that was looking for love. That's enough for now...we'll pick up and I'll tell you all about My George...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Confession Time: Middle-age Infidelity in India !
OK - With the reinvention also came waves of doubt, remorse and curiosity. I found that as my packaging (the fat) started to melt, my libido came out of hibernation. It was a very slow awakening and then Kaboom... I have been married to one man for over 28 years. I thought he was the love of my life, we had a series of disappointments that put a huge wall between us. Although we were good friends, there was no spark. There was no sex, just gentle kiss 'hello and good bye'...genuine affection and hand holding. I dove deeper into work and succeeded. I was rewarded with promotions and tony assignments. I grew increasingly empty inside, but loyal and devoted to my husband and my marriage.
In March of 2008; I was sent to India for work. I found myself sitting in business class from New York to Delhi next to a very articulate (and handsome) Indian national. The unusual part of this is I typically plug myself into my iPod and open a book upon taking my seat, just to send the 'leave me alone signal'. This man had the most attractive, yet sad, brown eyes I have ever seen. He was tall, slender, short cropped black curly hair and just exquisite hands. I know - I know. I noticed the hands immediately: long, slender and very well groomed. He was a gentleman; well dressed, pressed and ready for a long trip. He introduced himself, extended his hand and shook mine firmly. He kept his eyes fixated on mine, not creepy - -highly approving and complimentary. It seemed like kismet. We talked for hours, ate together as you do on planes..and drank wine as you do on planes in business class. The flight attendants thought we were travelling together and gestured appropriately to an couple enjoying each other and the trip. New York to Delhi is a 15 hour flight...yes - -a 15 hour flight. Talking non-stop, we were moving closer to each other telling jokes and then he lightly touch the inside of my left wrist...very nonchalantly, non threatening and highly electric. I could feel a surge of his energy enter me- and I was not having a hot flash. I knew I was in trouble. The lights were very dim in the cabin and he leaned into me, lips grazing mine- -magical. He took my breath away. It was the most romantic moment of my life. His hand pulled my head closer to his and he kissed me deeply, passionately and for what seemed like an eternity. This lips were peppered with a light curry from his meal and mine were salty - -He tasted delicious and he tasted like more. Our lips parted and he gazed deeply into my eyes, rubbing his lips against my cheeks, eyelids and back to my lips, this time his tongue deeply explored mine. Time seemed to stand still, the cabin was dark and still and all I could do was feel his heartbeat and breath. This was the mother of all business trips !
I have travelled on business for over 25 years and have never, never had an encounter on a plane. I've heard of the mile-high club and all sorts of sordid activities that people do on planes and never thought it would be me...not kissing is not a bad thing. It does pass the time; it was after all a 15 hour plane ride! This was like a dream sequence. When it was time to debark, he told me that he would escort me off the plane through immigration. I was thinking that the plane was an isolated experience. It appears that he is a ranking executive with a multi national Indian based firm. He was greeted at the cabin door by an VIP escort and we were taken through a VIP immigration line. If you've ever been to Delhi - the immigration line is akin to a theme park queue, complete with sweaty tourists and punctuated with third world types. It's no picnic. And because I was being escorted by this gentleman, I bypassed the entire morass...It was like being miraculously upgraded. The process that should have taken easily an hour to two, was complete in 10 minutes.
He asked me if he could take me to my hotel and I panicked. I thought that this was going to be it. Plus, I did have a driver hired to pick me up at the airport. We parted ways, he kissed me on the cheek and asked if I could be available for dinner later in the week. I agreed and thought nothing more. I dismissed it as 'stuff happens on the road' and the 'mystic of India', which will be another tangent, we'll take on another day. I thought this was going to be the last of my dashing Indian gentleman and I could go on with my hum drum life and work the next day.
Well - -the dashing gentleman did not miss a beat. He telephoned my hotel that evening to ensure that I was safe and secure and assured me that he had a delightful time with me and wished to thank me by taking me to dinner. I did mention to him that I had a very ambitious several days in Delhi, Hyderabad and several other place, and he persisted. It's is very Indian to wear you down when they want something - -evidently he did want me.
I literally floated for the next several days. I thought it was the jet lag, but I believe I was just smitten with India - -or more like my Indian gentleman, Ashwini.
He met me in the hotel lobby promptly at 6 p.m. on Wednesday, we had a few cocktails in the lounge and we could not keep our eyes off each other. I know we both knew dinner was not what either of us wanted. Indian culture is very discrete - there is no public displays of affection and there is a strong barrier between classes and races. I am a tall, white, blond woman - and all freshly packaged - -he is a fair skinned Brahmin, but nonetheless - we are a mixed race couple. I pushed my key to him and wrote the room number on the napkin. I mentioned that I'd meet him up there in 10 minutes.
I have never (this story is full of 'nevers') felt as turned on sexually as I was at this point. My thighs were trembling as I was walking and I was incredibly warm and very, oh so very wet - I took the elevator to and walked down the hall...and took a deep breadth as I knocked on my room's door...The door opened, his exquisite hand extended and pulled me into him as if it was a choreographed dance. Our lips met explosively and our hand and arms embraced...and clothes were just flinging..he sat on the corner of the bed and pulled me around him...just incredible....just flipping incredible...I will not go into the details I have in my diary...but I have never had such passionate, primal interaction with another human - -ever - -hours - yes, hours...He wanted me, he had me and I freely gave myself to him.
So here I am in a 5 star hotel in Delhi, India - -naked, exhausted and smelling like musky sex...wondering what took me so long. No guilt, no remorse, complete satisfaction - -fully engulfed in the moment and wrapped around a magnificent man. A man with the endurance of a teenager and passion that was indescribable. He kissed me lightly and asked me to bathe with him...yes, we washed each
other...delicately - -and kissed some more....I washed his hair...kissed his back...and was plugged into a level of emotion that I did not know existed. This was bliss...
He dressed and told me he would take me to dinner the following night...He kissed me passionately and left around 1:30 a.m...it was after all a school night. Yes - -I had sex for over 6 hours...Who has sex for 6 hours ?
The next day I floated, worked and daydreamed...it was the start of a long term, clandestine affair...yes, I stepped over the boundary. I was an adulteress - a 51 year old adulteress. It was the first time that I realized that I did shut myself down, I wasn't stuffing my desire away with food. I actually let me feel my own sexual desire and it was magnificent.
In March of 2008; I was sent to India for work. I found myself sitting in business class from New York to Delhi next to a very articulate (and handsome) Indian national. The unusual part of this is I typically plug myself into my iPod and open a book upon taking my seat, just to send the 'leave me alone signal'. This man had the most attractive, yet sad, brown eyes I have ever seen. He was tall, slender, short cropped black curly hair and just exquisite hands. I know - I know. I noticed the hands immediately: long, slender and very well groomed. He was a gentleman; well dressed, pressed and ready for a long trip. He introduced himself, extended his hand and shook mine firmly. He kept his eyes fixated on mine, not creepy - -highly approving and complimentary. It seemed like kismet. We talked for hours, ate together as you do on planes..and drank wine as you do on planes in business class. The flight attendants thought we were travelling together and gestured appropriately to an couple enjoying each other and the trip. New York to Delhi is a 15 hour flight...yes - -a 15 hour flight. Talking non-stop, we were moving closer to each other telling jokes and then he lightly touch the inside of my left wrist...very nonchalantly, non threatening and highly electric. I could feel a surge of his energy enter me- and I was not having a hot flash. I knew I was in trouble. The lights were very dim in the cabin and he leaned into me, lips grazing mine- -magical. He took my breath away. It was the most romantic moment of my life. His hand pulled my head closer to his and he kissed me deeply, passionately and for what seemed like an eternity. This lips were peppered with a light curry from his meal and mine were salty - -He tasted delicious and he tasted like more. Our lips parted and he gazed deeply into my eyes, rubbing his lips against my cheeks, eyelids and back to my lips, this time his tongue deeply explored mine. Time seemed to stand still, the cabin was dark and still and all I could do was feel his heartbeat and breath. This was the mother of all business trips !
I have travelled on business for over 25 years and have never, never had an encounter on a plane. I've heard of the mile-high club and all sorts of sordid activities that people do on planes and never thought it would be me...not kissing is not a bad thing. It does pass the time; it was after all a 15 hour plane ride! This was like a dream sequence. When it was time to debark, he told me that he would escort me off the plane through immigration. I was thinking that the plane was an isolated experience. It appears that he is a ranking executive with a multi national Indian based firm. He was greeted at the cabin door by an VIP escort and we were taken through a VIP immigration line. If you've ever been to Delhi - the immigration line is akin to a theme park queue, complete with sweaty tourists and punctuated with third world types. It's no picnic. And because I was being escorted by this gentleman, I bypassed the entire morass...It was like being miraculously upgraded. The process that should have taken easily an hour to two, was complete in 10 minutes.
He asked me if he could take me to my hotel and I panicked. I thought that this was going to be it. Plus, I did have a driver hired to pick me up at the airport. We parted ways, he kissed me on the cheek and asked if I could be available for dinner later in the week. I agreed and thought nothing more. I dismissed it as 'stuff happens on the road' and the 'mystic of India', which will be another tangent, we'll take on another day. I thought this was going to be the last of my dashing Indian gentleman and I could go on with my hum drum life and work the next day.
Well - -the dashing gentleman did not miss a beat. He telephoned my hotel that evening to ensure that I was safe and secure and assured me that he had a delightful time with me and wished to thank me by taking me to dinner. I did mention to him that I had a very ambitious several days in Delhi, Hyderabad and several other place, and he persisted. It's is very Indian to wear you down when they want something - -evidently he did want me.
I literally floated for the next several days. I thought it was the jet lag, but I believe I was just smitten with India - -or more like my Indian gentleman, Ashwini.
He met me in the hotel lobby promptly at 6 p.m. on Wednesday, we had a few cocktails in the lounge and we could not keep our eyes off each other. I know we both knew dinner was not what either of us wanted. Indian culture is very discrete - there is no public displays of affection and there is a strong barrier between classes and races. I am a tall, white, blond woman - and all freshly packaged - -he is a fair skinned Brahmin, but nonetheless - we are a mixed race couple. I pushed my key to him and wrote the room number on the napkin. I mentioned that I'd meet him up there in 10 minutes.
I have never (this story is full of 'nevers') felt as turned on sexually as I was at this point. My thighs were trembling as I was walking and I was incredibly warm and very, oh so very wet - I took the elevator to and walked down the hall...and took a deep breadth as I knocked on my room's door...The door opened, his exquisite hand extended and pulled me into him as if it was a choreographed dance. Our lips met explosively and our hand and arms embraced...and clothes were just flinging..he sat on the corner of the bed and pulled me around him...just incredible....just flipping incredible...I will not go into the details I have in my diary...but I have never had such passionate, primal interaction with another human - -ever - -hours - yes, hours...He wanted me, he had me and I freely gave myself to him.
So here I am in a 5 star hotel in Delhi, India - -naked, exhausted and smelling like musky sex...wondering what took me so long. No guilt, no remorse, complete satisfaction - -fully engulfed in the moment and wrapped around a magnificent man. A man with the endurance of a teenager and passion that was indescribable. He kissed me lightly and asked me to bathe with him...yes, we washed each
other...delicately - -and kissed some more....I washed his hair...kissed his back...and was plugged into a level of emotion that I did not know existed. This was bliss...
He dressed and told me he would take me to dinner the following night...He kissed me passionately and left around 1:30 a.m...it was after all a school night. Yes - -I had sex for over 6 hours...Who has sex for 6 hours ?
The next day I floated, worked and daydreamed...it was the start of a long term, clandestine affair...yes, I stepped over the boundary. I was an adulteress - a 51 year old adulteress. It was the first time that I realized that I did shut myself down, I wasn't stuffing my desire away with food. I actually let me feel my own sexual desire and it was magnificent.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Reinvention - Step 2- Believe in Yourself
Hey - I was at the gym on the treadmill this afternoon - -I love walking indoors in the summertime..It's a Floridian thing. While getting in my zone with the iPod blaring to the gentle lyrics of Pink, Deep Purple and Led Zepplin (have you ever really listened to these words...If I had when I was young, I think I would have gotten into some serious trouble); I was reading several of the self-help magazines. They are chocked full of amazing stories about women losing 70+ lbs - -and all stories of personal triumph.
These ladies all had vacant stares in their "before pictures", hiding behind children, animals and huge birthday cakes. Their clothes, hair and overall demeanor was bland. They looked like they had the life sucked out of them and they looked like so many women we all know. What happened to them...what happened to their resiliency? Somewhere and somehow each of them came to the realization that there was more to life. I applaud each and every one of them. What they were capable of doing, was not only adhering to a diet, a plan or regime; that was a given. They transformed themselves. They pulled courage out and believed in themselves.
Their stories were full of handy diet tips, portion control, mind games to get through the day and rewards for making goals. The outcome were beautifully contoured bodies, shining hair and brilliant eyes - -their teeth even looked whiter.
It all seemed somewhat light in perspective. These stories did not have quite the figurative weight that celebrity chasing did or has in our society. These are uber- accomplishments. These women discovered themselves, they excelled in their environments and succeeded.
I think we should celebrate their success. They pulled themselves up, addressed their issues and won their personal demons. It's hard work. It is probably the hardest work you'll ever embrace, but once you do. You'll be quite surprised at what you're actually made of - -as said by another much wiser - -what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
How strong do you want to be? Since I've found confidence in myself, I soar. You can too. You'll find that your outlook is rosier; problems appear to be opportunities and you can't wait to wake up in the morning. Jump on the wagon - -it's no fun being the amazing, disappearing middle-aged woman - -step out and gain your own spotlight, or sunshine (whatever your preference). Once you start believing in yourself, you will find that you no longer want to eat...its a miracle ! The cravings go away- -
Here's the assignment:
1) Affirmations (as mentioned in Step 1- the Hazeldon Affirmations for AA work the same regardless of your addiction - -and yes, if you are overweight - -you do abuse food...sorry, but it's true.
2) Read up on Louise Hay - she's very cool - makes you just want to be joyous.
3) Get a Journal - or use post it notes, scrap paper...Find at least 3 things you are thankful for every day. You'll find that some days it might be as simple as "I breathed today" - -not every day is going to be an 'over-the-moon' day; but it will help you track your progress (remember we are always going forward- regardless of the route). Write it down...and own it. One day I was thankful for Diet Peach Tea Snapple...if you have ever had it, you understand (plus - no calories, chock full of flavor and reminds me of a summertime afternoon in Georgia - -sheer delight).
4) Tell yourself you are beautiful...promise? I found that when I came to peace with my body that everything just got magically better. And besides - -you are beautiful. Go into the bathroom, turn on all the lights and gaze into the mirror...Compliment yourself and smile.
Remember you are on a journey - it's a long one, it will be full of all sorts of self-discovery and fun.
These ladies all had vacant stares in their "before pictures", hiding behind children, animals and huge birthday cakes. Their clothes, hair and overall demeanor was bland. They looked like they had the life sucked out of them and they looked like so many women we all know. What happened to them...what happened to their resiliency? Somewhere and somehow each of them came to the realization that there was more to life. I applaud each and every one of them. What they were capable of doing, was not only adhering to a diet, a plan or regime; that was a given. They transformed themselves. They pulled courage out and believed in themselves.
Their stories were full of handy diet tips, portion control, mind games to get through the day and rewards for making goals. The outcome were beautifully contoured bodies, shining hair and brilliant eyes - -their teeth even looked whiter.
It all seemed somewhat light in perspective. These stories did not have quite the figurative weight that celebrity chasing did or has in our society. These are uber- accomplishments. These women discovered themselves, they excelled in their environments and succeeded.
I think we should celebrate their success. They pulled themselves up, addressed their issues and won their personal demons. It's hard work. It is probably the hardest work you'll ever embrace, but once you do. You'll be quite surprised at what you're actually made of - -as said by another much wiser - -what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
How strong do you want to be? Since I've found confidence in myself, I soar. You can too. You'll find that your outlook is rosier; problems appear to be opportunities and you can't wait to wake up in the morning. Jump on the wagon - -it's no fun being the amazing, disappearing middle-aged woman - -step out and gain your own spotlight, or sunshine (whatever your preference). Once you start believing in yourself, you will find that you no longer want to eat...its a miracle ! The cravings go away- -
Here's the assignment:
1) Affirmations (as mentioned in Step 1- the Hazeldon Affirmations for AA work the same regardless of your addiction - -and yes, if you are overweight - -you do abuse food...sorry, but it's true.
2) Read up on Louise Hay - she's very cool - makes you just want to be joyous.
3) Get a Journal - or use post it notes, scrap paper...Find at least 3 things you are thankful for every day. You'll find that some days it might be as simple as "I breathed today" - -not every day is going to be an 'over-the-moon' day; but it will help you track your progress (remember we are always going forward- regardless of the route). Write it down...and own it. One day I was thankful for Diet Peach Tea Snapple...if you have ever had it, you understand (plus - no calories, chock full of flavor and reminds me of a summertime afternoon in Georgia - -sheer delight).
4) Tell yourself you are beautiful...promise? I found that when I came to peace with my body that everything just got magically better. And besides - -you are beautiful. Go into the bathroom, turn on all the lights and gaze into the mirror...Compliment yourself and smile.
Remember you are on a journey - it's a long one, it will be full of all sorts of self-discovery and fun.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Reinvention - Step 1- the teachable moment
Many years ago, I was working on a project that was going no where and fast. There was lots of dissenting, agenda playing and just plain rude behavior. I mentioned to a trusted colleague that I just couldn't figure their behavior out and aside from the 'raised by wolves' comment that I could always rely on; he said they are not at their "teachable moment". They have the capacity, the skill, but lack the desire or necessity. He gave the term attribution and quite frankly I forget (Maybe Malcolm Knowles?) - however, I find that it was very telling and did help me validate all the steps I've taken.
I found myself on the known side of 50 (my youth), thinking that there's got to be more. I decided to take a deep inventory of my assets (naturally) and an even more introspective view of my liabilities. Why are the liabilities so painful? And thought, I believe I'm at my personal 'teachable moment'...and what am I going to do about it. Here's what my inventory and my doctor told me...
I found myself on the known side of 50 (my youth), thinking that there's got to be more. I decided to take a deep inventory of my assets (naturally) and an even more introspective view of my liabilities. Why are the liabilities so painful? And thought, I believe I'm at my personal 'teachable moment'...and what am I going to do about it. Here's what my inventory and my doctor told me...
- You are overweight ! Yes, I was. I was wearing 205 lbs on my 5'7" frame and just don't know how that happened. Well - that also put me in a pre-diabetic state and just plain lethargic.
- You work too much ! Yes, I do (note - I didn't say did). I've worked for a major technology company for 25 years and have a position of some figurative weight and benefit: Extensive world travel, dinner in 5-star restaurants and access to some fairly amazing work.
- You have no life-work balance !- See above, when you work too much - not a lot of time to commit to other things, people, activities. It's hard to sign up for a class that meet every week at a certain time when you don't know what part of the world you might be in for the next 12 consecutive weeks. I have always said that I was athletic and creative and yet, really had done much (hence the 200+ lbs) or created much (other than paint some walls- -oh, in solid colors, nothing too ornate)
- You have succeeded in alienating almost everyone that cares for you - -see Numbers 2 and 3.
- Your only child did go to college - so did all of her friends - the house is quiet leaving you with a full refrigerator and a man you've been married to forever and don't necessarily have anything in common.
For Mother's Day that year, my daughter (I believe she's a tad clairvoyant) gave me a small picture to put on my desk...It was a saying in the sand..."Simplify your Life"...with a wave perched nearby as to say - -I'm going to take it away if you don't do something. This was a very humbling moment. Knowing my daughter, it could have been a last minute impulse purchase because she had nothing to re-gift me that would be appropriate for a 49 year old. However, I took the opportunity to reflect and I do recommend it...
Here's what I did...and we'll talk about them one at a time...Let's start with the overweight part. I know that you all know the stats and I know as a culture that we eat recreationally, eat to soothe ourselves, eat out of boredom, eat out of anger, stress and a myriad of other emotions. The point is we don't feel our emotions, we medicate them. I decided to get in touch with my body as the machine it was designed to be. Stay with me, the ending is good...
I found a doctor that specializes in holistic medicine. I told him I know I'm fat, I've tried everything (or at least I thought I had) and now I'm desperate. What to do...? Well, he and I did have a very engaging conversation. I know, you know - -if you have a weight problem it's as if you are embarrassed and ashamed all at the same time. Your weight is a barrier and it's may project that you have no self-control. I know- I know that you seem to disappear into the background. I know the pain - emotional as well as physical. I know my husband didn't look at me the same way he used to. I know that lipstick doesn't mitigate a big bottom, but I did try.
So - the magnificent Dr. McC did tell me how to lose the weight. He acted as two-fold: medical caregiver and support system all in one. He cared. I got my food list, my food diary, a list of vitamins (all store bought, nothing expensive) and the order to walk. I was also told to come in 2x's a week to weigh in. My cholesterol was in the hinterlands of 350+, and I was officially pre-diabetic. I have a very expansive history of diabetes in my gene pool. A beloved aunt lost her hands, feet and vision to the disease. She was a talented artist...it was a travesty. I know what diabetes does, it is not 'a little sugar problem' and it can destroy your life. I had the motivation.
Recommendation 1- take pictures of yourself...just for you and for motivation. I found that I had been 'camera shy' for about 12 years...being the one always taking the pictures not in them. I did not like what I saw; I also did not recognize who I was. I fully acknowledged that those were my clothes, my jewelry and shoes...but who was that fat woman wearing them ! Ah Ha !
I did have a good cry and realized that I needed to take this one step at a time. This was definitely a life defining moment. This is not who I wanted the world to know who I was . I was packaged wrong - -completely wrong.
Recommendation 2- Look forward always - Weight gain did not happen overnight, nor will it go away overnight. It has to be a journey. I made myself promise that that was the last day I was going to be an obese woman and that I did deserve better. Your eyes are facing forward for a reason and it's not to dwell in the past.
Recommendation 3- Write your goal weight down. I know it's a number and do not define yourself as a number, but it's a target someplace to hold on to when it gets rough. I picked my initial target as 150. In the mind set I was in, I thought that was a super stretch. The doctor said , "I think it should be 130-140". Was he serious ? Oh yes, dead serious...I wrote down "145" and put it on about 15 'post it notes'. I put these notes (and still have several of them) in places I go to all the time. 1) my wallet ...2) my underwear drawer...3) my make up bag...4) inside the butter dish compartment in the refrigerator)..5) where I keep my razors (just in case shaving all your body hair off can render you a quarter pound less)...6) discretely on my car dashboard 7) on the telephone- -all the places I could think would give me a passive reminder of where I wanted to go. If I wanted to go to Italy I would put Italian postcards all over, wouldn't you? Remember this is a journey
Recommendation 4- Inventory your pantry and refrigerator...and be relentless in throwing out food. My goal was to eliminate 'white food' from my diet. This was to be my first step. By white food, I'm referring to: sugar, white flour, pasta, rice, cereal, dairy (with the exception of yogurt and cottage cheese). Sugar comes in a variety of forms, very sneaky of the food industry. There is no reason you should be eating anything that has corn syrup in it. I found out from Dr. McC that the human body does not naturally crave sugar. It develops that over time and hence our abuse. Consider this a type of de-tox...Have you every quit cigarettes ? Well - -this is right up there with that. It is worth the goal. You just have to commit to it.
Back to the pantry - out with the chips, cookies, popcorn, pretzels, doritos, cupcakes, waffles, candy (yes, even the medicinal dark chocolate). Take it all out to the trash, do not - -eat any of it as you are throwing it away. It is never coming back. Make peace with that. Be strong and stand tall.
Recommendation 5- Go grocery shopping to stock up on the right stuff and do it as if you have never gone grocery shopping before. Go it alone !
Your list should comprise of: 1) protein - -chicken (white meat), turkey (white meat), fish, egg beaters 2) Vegetables: Lettuce, tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers, zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli 3) A no-fat salad dressing - like "Walden Farms" in refrigerator section 4) Low-sodium Soy Sauce 5) Wasa Bread 6) No-fat , low sugar Yogurt (Dannon makes a diabetic friendly version) 7) Crystal Lite - -I like Green Tea, Peach tea and Lemonade. 8) Fruit - Berries, apples, pears, peaches, plums - 9) No fat Cream cheese 10) Low sodium chicken stock, Herbs and spices. You can have coffee and tea - just no creamer or sugar.
That's it...now - -make a pact with yourself that you will cook all your food for the next week. You will not eat out. This is an important step - particularly in our culture. This means that you have to plan.
The idea is to 'get you into your personal space'...this is what I call it when I'm hitting on all cylinders and can't help but succeed. We'll work on personal worth too...but for now...
When I get resolve, I like to surround myself with positive messages. For me, it's going to the bookstore, camping out in the self-help section (You may want to get a book of Daily Affirmations (AA uses these very successfully, why can't we?..plus they are highly motivational))- -working with my hands - do something with my hands other than eat ! Get outside and take a walk - -feel the air on your face and in your lungs...think of what an accomplishment this journey is going to be. It is - -this story does have a good ending..
More to come -
Friday, July 10, 2009
Greetings and Welcome
Hello - -My name is Kit and this is my blog. It's been a while and I'm pleased for you to join me: converse, add perspective or just throw in an idea or concept.
I am on the verge of my 53rd birthday and I'm jubilant ! I've never felt or looked better; have a good grasp on who I am and am looking to share what I've been learning and observing.
My only child left for college several years ago and I found myself not knowing who I was, what I liked to do and my options relatively limited. You'll find that I know I'm 'workaholic', it is as deadly as substance abuse - -just pays better. I'm teetering on ending a long-time relationship, am a complete financial mess and will within the next year reinvent myself.
I am not certain what that means just yet - I just hope that you're along for the ride. I'm viewing this as an adventure and want to take it all in - not missing a bump or lift - -something like adult 'Chutes and Ladders'..
I am on the verge of my 53rd birthday and I'm jubilant ! I've never felt or looked better; have a good grasp on who I am and am looking to share what I've been learning and observing.
My only child left for college several years ago and I found myself not knowing who I was, what I liked to do and my options relatively limited. You'll find that I know I'm 'workaholic', it is as deadly as substance abuse - -just pays better. I'm teetering on ending a long-time relationship, am a complete financial mess and will within the next year reinvent myself.
I am not certain what that means just yet - I just hope that you're along for the ride. I'm viewing this as an adventure and want to take it all in - not missing a bump or lift - -something like adult 'Chutes and Ladders'..
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