I made THE call today

I shouldn't say I made THE call today. I finally connected, made the appointment and confessed my sins to my attorney. Yes, she is my attorney. I feel so empowered and I feel like I have finally started the process of ending my marriage. Whew...I thought I was ready. I know I am.
The date is next week. I've got the paperwork, directions and cash. Now, it's time to execute.

There will be so many changes to several people's lives based on my one decision. I don't feel worthy of that type of power. I just know that it's not good for me to continue to live this way.

There are so many celebrations when people decide to get married. I believe being engaged was the happy time...so much anticipation and just jubilant of the moment. The reality is merging two lives, building a business and raising a family. Well - -the family is raised. She's fairly complete - as much as she can be given what she has to work with. The business of "Us Inc" leveled off a few years ago and has been in steady decline since. If it was my business, I would have sold it off years ago and the merging of lives - -now seems like pathetic entwindment - like spaghetti or a twisted neck chain...no happy ending and just circles of frustration.

It's not as if there is anything better. I've played, experimented and come to the realization that you still need to be your best friend. Sometimes you have as good as it gets - -not striving for perfection, just don't want all the pressure and responsibility of -- -everything. I also want an intimate relationship with a man, not a cordial co-habitation...asking for too much? I think I would like a little romance too - I'm kind of tired of all the effort...in every capacity.

He is a wonderful man - I never want to be an ex-basher. There is nothing wrong with him. He is only guilty of being himself and of loving me. The reason I did marry him was that he was the first person I dated that did not want to change me. I found that he didn't want to cast me in the stereotypical wife role and I did like that; it worked. I did need for him to be stronger, more forceful. He is brilliant, great sense of humor, honest, loyal and was a great kisser. I wouldn't know any more. He gave me razor burn the first time we enjoyed each other. His lips were wonderfully soft and he was a passionate lover. No regrets, just don't know the exact moment it way awry - -or if it was the figurative death-by-a-thousand-cuts.

More to come...this too will be a journey...

With love,
Kit