Who's taking my place in the food chain ?

I had a startling realization the other day...Since we've all had to tighten our belts (literally and figuratively), who's picking up the slack ?

Here's what I mean...My current shopping behavior has me no long purchasing in high-end stores even supermarkets; I'm looking at 'shopping my closet' for clothes and going to produce stands and WalMart for all my food and staples. What's up with that ?

My personal style is evolving...I've grown my hair (less maintenance), adopted a more bohemian apparel statement (mixed pieces, old jewelry and tights- -from Target) and will surf to find the best deal on Kashi crackers (for the record, it's a WalMart). I've cut back my cable to the bare necessity (did you know that other than the 4 networks, I can get at least 3 Spanish speaking stations-- Hola !) I look for coupons, drink Almond Milk - because I had a $.55 coupon and have honed my protein consumption down to cottage cheese, eggs and tuna fish.

You would think that I was just starting out, that I'm in my early 20's, got my first job and am trying to save for a car, maybe a house payment, pay down student loans or just demonstrate my independence.

The truth is I'm an executive with a multi-national corporation. I make a fabulous salary and for a series of bad decisions, am living paycheck to paycheck with a glimmer of hope in sight. My credit rating is trashed, my bank account is in the hundreds of dollars, I owe more on my house that I can sell it and I have a mountain of debt.

Initially, I do believe I was in denial, it is such a blissful state. I got in the habit of buying major purchases, including my college aged daughter's tuition and apartment and using my low interest credit cards. You do know where this is going...interest rates skyrocketed. I am victim of my own stupidity. One should never live on credit cards - -ever, ever - -it's the crack cocaine of the middle class. This felony was compounded when my firm's bonus plan evaporated. I found that I was living up to the edge. It was as if I took a 40% pay cut and increased my expenses by 39%, you do the math - -not a good place to be.

I was on a trajectory to get a divorce and realized that I would also have to borrow to get out of my marriage and probably have to pay spousal support too. Oh, it gets so much better. I started to feel sorry for myself - big time - I started to look for quick fixes. I even looked to match.com to try to help me find a 'prince' to get me out of this. I was looking to get a 'sugar daddy'...I was looking for all of this to go away. How did this happen to me? To me ?

I spend the first part of this year looking for a man to help me through this, only to find that the ones that were available were 1) unemployeed 2) severely damaged and/or 3) looking for the same thing I was. I also came to realize that a woman, over 50 with sterling health benefits is a rare commodity. All of my gentlemen suitors had no idea I was married. I was looking to 'run away' with them and get them to bail me out. I was starting to be desparate. I was becoming a whore. I should state...I was a whore.

Here's what I've come to do. 1) Address what the problem is - -it was money and husband that was withdrawn. My decision was to 'fix' the money issue first and to do this on my own. I did not need a man to do this for me, nor did I need to use sex to get anything. I do believe that the whole Match.com experience was not a good one for me. I am a true late bloomer and boy, I did not experience the lack of libido that menopause is supposed to harken. I started to crave sex, like I did cigarettes when I was in my 20's. The stark realization was that I never embraced my sexuality and I am ashamed that I never shared this with my husband. He deserved so much more.

Depression also sets in, you dwell on it and start to spiral further down. It's not a very pretty place. Oh - back to the money. I did contact a credit counselling firm. They put me on a strict budget (similar to the food diet's I've been on for decades). I have a contained spending plan that does not allow me much flexibility. I also have started on a safety net. OK - it's in the nascent stage, but it's growing. According to the credit counselor, I should be debt free by September, 2015. Yes, it's only been 3 months - -but feels so liberating.

I had a soulful conversation with my mortgage company. I got a funky 'interest free' mortgage for the first 7-years...well, this Feb starts year 7. I completely panicked. Based on the whole credit card debacle, it was evident that I was again - 'screwed'. They did assure me that I still had a note with them, it may even be less than what the interest only was when that was struck. However, I need about $13K to refinance. Yes, you read correctly - -Living in Florida does have it's perks, my real estate is in the tank. The gist of it is, I can take all the delusions of 'running away' out of my plan. I am stuck here. I could walk away, run away- or- I can act responsibly and ethically and pay my mortgage. The positive this is due to the bursted real estate bubble - my home owner taxes are less. I'm thinking I'm going to honker down and love my nest. I am going to make this a wonderful jewel box, with my available resources (namely - me and my talents) and just enjoy my environs.

The added impetus to the change in heart, was that my husband did get a real job. It's the first time in 9 years that he is working a corporate job that pays real money (not a ton, but enough) and he fully understands the impact of his contribution. I think we can save this. I hope we can save this. I really want to save this. I did marry the right man. I have no doubt about this now. He is eccentric, quirky and at times naive. He is the father of my only child and I have never seen him hurt another person or animal. He and I share similar political and religious views. I should have been kinder to him, I was not. I was out right mean. He deserves better.

I hope that I was in a phase - -like teenaged rebellion. My hope for me is that I can regain my moral compass and that this incredible man I married 24 years ago, sees it the same way.

This has been a very humbling time. I've watched my daughter succumb to all sorts of temptations. She has also managed to squeeze three years of learning into 5 years, with no real end in sight. She is semi-emancipated. She knows that she is now responsible for her own destiny. I made her weak and entitled. She never saw any struggle, that when it struck she rebelled too. Her's was one more of drugs, alcohol and bad choices. She was invited more than once to leave the university. She managed to pull herself together, meet with the dean and probably displayed her acting chops to get reinstated.

I've watched my husband withdraw, hold on to a fantasy and just not to contribute. I hated him for that. He let me bear the brunt of all the financial issues. I also let him. He became more of a dependent child than my peer. I had no support group, hid in my work and crafted a very devious front for my paramours. Sheer fantasy, perhaps I should have just written about it. The actual acting out the fantasy, was a step I did not think I was capable. If I am, you are too. I have no one to blame but myself and a distorted logic. I did like almost everyone I had sex with, the only exception was Bob. Just seeing his e-mail, makes me cringe and want to wash my hands and keyboard. I do think that he videotaped our session. Potentially there's some blackmail out there. The phantom, Bill had too much to lose and made me realize how sordid this whole thing was. It is true that a man will give you favor if you give them a blow job. I learned to like it, embraced it as if it was my occupation - -and secretly wished that I got more than a few free dinners out of the deal. I believe I was a bad whore...never making them pay for the milk. I learned a lot about men. In a strange way, I know that I don't want to do that anymore. I do not know if I will ever tell my husband. I know he suspects. I'm not sure if I will ever tell him.

It's time to renew - -I started this innocently enough to talk about transformation. I lost a ton of weight, found new confidence and became a whore...oops, wrong way, Kit. Time to get back on the right path and hope that it's still there for you.

Wish me a pleasant journey, I will need it.